


I Can Be Happy

by Sammyjjong



Category: SHINee
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Anal Sex, Angst, Child Abandonment, Child Abuse, Drunk Sex, Dysphoria, F/M, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Homophobia, Homophobic Language, M/M, Minor Character Death, Misgendering, Modern AU, Past Child Abuse, Sex, Slurs, Suicide Attempt, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, Verbal Abuse, domestic AU, i was a baby shawol when i wrote this but it did well everywhere else so here, slight minkey, taemin calls kibum umma like what does that tell you, this is really old guys like so old proceed with caution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-04
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:02:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 30
Words: 33,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23460679
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sammyjjong/pseuds/Sammyjjong
Summary: Kim Jonghyun is perfect for Kim Kibum. Except for one thing, he's not gay.
Relationships: Choi Minho/Lee Taemin, Kim Jonghyun/Kim Kibum | Key, Kim Jonghyun/Original Female Character(s), Kim Kibum | Key/Lee Jinki | Onew
Kudos: 14





	1. I Close My Eyes And Dream Of You

**Author's Note:**

> If you didn't read the tags, this fic is like 5 years old. I was a baby shawol so it's not amazing but it did really well on other platforms so I thought I'd post it here too. Hope you enjoy!

"So when are they getting here?" Jonghyun asked, sitting down on the couch next to Kibum.

"They said they're almost here" Minho answered, "5 minutes away"

"What are their names again?" Kibum asked, resting his head on his fist.

"The blonde one is Jinki and the dark haired one is Taemin" Minho answered, "I've been friends with them for about a month now, we should all get along just fine"

"Taemin sounds nice, but of course that's the only one you ever talk about" Kibum mumbled the last part and received a glare from Minho.

"I talk about Jinki too" Minho said defensively.

"Yea, if it has to do with Taemin as well" Kibum replied, "Don't worry though, I won't say anything too embarrassing"

There was a knock at the door and Minho sprung up, rushing to answer it. A boy with black hair walked in with his hands behind his back smiling, the second one came up beside him. He had blonde hair and was about the same height as the dark haired one, and he smiled at them slightly goofy. 

"Hello, I'm Lee Taemin" The black haired bowed, "It's very nice to meet you"

"Lee Jinki" The blonde one bowed as well, still smiling.

"Kim Jonghyun" He smiled.

"Kim Kibum" He told them, looking Taemin up and down.

Kibum could see how Minho had fallen for him, he looked too precious for this world. He also saw how he made friends with Jinki, that smile could brighten even the darkest days.

"We ordered chicken, it should be here soon so just relax and we can get to know each other" Jonghyun told them.

"I think we will be great friends" Jinki said with a serious expression, earning laughter from the rest of the room.

"He really loves chicken" Minho explained, sitting down next to Taemin on the other couch.

Jinki sat in the space between Kibum and Jonghyun and they smiled at him.

"Taemin, show them your talent" Minho suggested and Taemin got up slowly.

"Talent, what kind of talent?" Kibum asked.

"Just watch" Jinki smiled.

Taemin got out his phone and turned on a dubstep mix of an American pop song. After a few beats he began dancing to it, completely focused not making any mistake they could pick out. Kibum and Jonghyun watched with amazement of how he flowed with the music. Kibum looked to Minho and mouthed "I approve" to him and Minho just motioned for him to keep quiet. Taemin smiled when the song ended and there was a round of applause from the other four.

"Thank you" The youngest told them, "I love dancing"

"Maybe we could get together and put together something" Kibum suggested, "You're really good"

"That sounds great" Taemin's smile grew.

There was a knock for the second time today, but this time Jonghyun rushed to answer it. He came back with an unwanted guest in Kibum's opinion and boxes of chicken.

"Who's this?" Jinki asked curiously.

"This is my girlfriend" Jonghyun smiled proudly.

"Hello everyone, I'm Jung Chaeyeong" She bowed and her brown hair rested on her shoulders as she smiled at them.

"This is Lee Jinki and Lee Taemin" Jonghyun gestured to them, "Minho's introducing us to them finally"

The two smiled and said "Hello" to her before they all migrated to the small dining room to eat.

Throughout dinner Kibum was trying to get his mind off how much he wished he was Chaeyeong. You see, Kibum has known Jonghyun for five years now, only a year ago did he realize how he felt about the boy. It took him months to accept that he was in love with a straight guy, and it absolutely broke him. He never knew what a pain one-sided love was until now. No one knew about his crush on the boy except for Minho, which is how Kibum found out about Minho's feelings for Taemin.

Kibum focused his attention on Jinki, he was good looking and he seemed really sweet, but he couldn't see himself with Jinki like he could with Jonghyun. He looked back at Jonghyun, but quickly looked down at his food as him and Chaeyeong kissed in front of him. Kibum would feel rude if he said it made him physically ill, but he wouldn't be lying. He felt nauseous just from watching them. It was one of the many times Kibum wanted to be there, but at the same time he wanted to leave as quickly as possible.

Instead of waiting for a good time to have an excuse to leave like he sometimes did, he endured it since Jonghyun was supposed to stay the night at his place tonight. Those nights were usually nice, Kibum could pretend they were dating in his mind and it would only be broken if Jonghyun talked about Chaeyeong.

The minutes felt like hours as Kibum waited for it to be time to go, meeting Jinki and Taemin was nice and all, but he didn't think he could handle being around Jonghyun  _ and  _ Chaeyeong any longer. Kibum drove Chaeyeong home though, trying to tone out the two lovebirds in the back of his car. When they arrived at her house they both got out and said their goodbyes, then Jonghyun sat in the passenger's seat for the ride to Kibum's.


	2. I Stiffen My Legs, I Hate Myself Too

The rest of the day consisted of video games and Jonghyun goofing off while Kibum cooked them dinner, but then the time came where they'd both fall asleep in Kibum's bed.

It always happens this way lately, Jonghyun falls asleep and Kibum can't seem to get past closing his eyes. Jonghyun sleeps facing the middle, so for Kibum to make himself tired he just watches him, no touching, no talking, just watching him sleep peacefully. Kibum can never tell if he's really trying to fall asleep or if he's just torturing himself.

Though tonight was different, tonight he almost went too far. He was staring like normal, thinking the same thing he always does about kissing the older, but this time he found himself inching closer. He didn't realize it until he was breathing on the older. He quickly backed off and turned around towards the bedside table.

"Kibum?" Jonghyun's voice broke the silence.

Kibum froze, "Yes?" He answered.

"Can you not get to sleep?" He asked.

Kibum sighed, "No" He replied.

"Do you need anything?" The older asked.

"No, thank you" Kibum replied and reached for his phone, "Just get some sleep"

The older complied, making himself comfy again.

Kibum turned the brightness on his phone down as he began to text Minho.

**Kibum: Hope you're free tomorrow because I'm coming over**

He set his phone back on the table, knowing the younger was probably asleep by now. But, not even a minute later, he received a text in reply.

**Minho: I'm free, what time are you planning on coming?**

**Kibum: Why are you up this late?**

**Kibum: Didn't Taemin sleep over?**

**Minho: He did**

**Kibum: Okay, so we're in the same spot right now**

**Minho: Is that why you want to come over?**

**Kibum: Yea, I have something to tell you**

He turned the brightness back up and placed the phone face down on the table before getting comfortable and drifting to sleep.

Dreaming had become Kibum's favorite pastime lately, as all of his dreams have been in his favor. Dreams filled with Jonghyun, and none made Kibum want to wake up. Every dream makes him want to stay asleep for the rest of his life, some more than others.

Kibum's favorite part of this is that he hasn't had nightmares in a while, but he has to wake up from the dream at some point. And loving someone who can't love you back feels like a nightmare, no matter how many good things happen.

-

"Minho, I'm here!" Kibum called out in a sing-song voice.

Minho walked out of his room to greet the older, but he froze when he saw the bottle in his hand.

"Kibum, are you drunk?" Minho asked seriously.

"I may have had a few" Kibum admitted.

"Why?" Minho asked.

"Because it really fucking hurts being in love with someone who can't love you back, judge me one more time Choi Minho" Kibum answered, "At least Taemin isn't with anyone, but Jonghyun is  _ very  _ happy with a  _ female _ "

"Just don't make the drinking thing into a problem" Minho told him, "You said you had something to tell me?"

"I almost kissed a sleeping Jonghyun" Kibum told him, sitting down on the couch.

Minho couldn't help but snicker, "So, you stared at him so much last night you almost actually kissed him this time?"

"I was watching him sleep like I've done before and the next thing I know I'm breathing on his lips" Kibum chuckled, "What a night it would have been if I had kissed him"

"I wonder how that would've played out" Minho said.

"In me crying" Kibum answered seriously, staring blankly at the wall.

There was a long silence as Minho finally sat down.

"I've been thinking" Kibum started looking to Minho beside him, "Why are we doing this to ourselves?"

"What do you mean?" Minho asked.

"We're in love with people who we're both pretty sure would never date us because of their sexuality" Kibum answered, "You have some hope to hold onto, but I'm holding onto false hope that I made up in my mind"

"We can't help who we fall for" Minho replied.

"Yea but, why didn't we just go for each other?" Kibum asked, "We're both gay and miserable" The older moved toward Minho, "We don't have to suffer this alone"

"Kibum, you're drunk, you don't actually want this" Minho told him.

"I want a distraction from this pain, don't you? It's killing me to know I'll probably never be with him, isn't it killing you too?" Kibum asked, "And this could just be our little distraction, it doesn't have to mean anything"

Before Minho could reply, Kibum connected their lips, kissing him hard. Minho kissed back before pulling away to speak.

"You're right, it does hurt. Taemin told me about his ex-girlfriends yesterday, I felt like I could've died" Minho told him, "But no one finds out about this, I don't want anyone to think we're dating"

"Deal" Kibum replied and slowly began to close the gap between them.


	3. For Some Reason, I'm Excited Today

The only names said that night were Taemin and Jonghyun, because both boys knew they'd rather have someone else. Kibum left early that morning for work, purposely waking Minho up in the process so he'd go to his work too.

Working at the local grocery store wasn't bad, it was just annoying. Person after person making you want to scream. Kibum delt with it fairly well, ranting to Jonghyun during breaks as he worked there too. The younger's rants usually gave Jonghyun a laugh and that would calm him down. Hell, just seeing Jonghyun smiling calmed him down tremendously.

Break had already ended though, and Kibum had a couple minutes before he was off work. Customers went by quick then, people only getting a few things paying quickly and leaving. The last minute, someone came through with at least ten things, but by now Kibum couldn't care less as long as people didn't line up behind them.

He hadn't looked at the customer until everything was scanned and his eyes widened in surprise as he saw Jinki in front of him.

"Oh, hey Kibum, I didn't know you worked here" Jinki said smiling.

"Yea, this is my crappy job, I get off when I finish with you" Kibum told him and announced the total.

Jinki began to pay before speaking, "Did Minho tell you about the cookout?"

"No, that never came up" Kibum replied, thoughts flowing back of last night and giving him a slight headache.

"Well, tonight I'm holding a cookout for us, that's what all this is for" Jinki smiled, "Since you're about to get off wanna come help me get it ready?"

"Oh, uh, sure" Kibum told him, "Just let me clock out"

Kibum closed down the register after Jinki was done and dashed to clock out.

"What are you in such a hurry for?" Jonghyun laughed as Kibum speed-walked past.

"Going to help Jinki set up the cookout for tonight, you better be there" Kibum answered.

"I'll get Minho to take me" Jonghyun replied.

"Better text him now" Kibum told him before dashing out the door.

He looked around the small parking lot and found Jinki waving to him from his car. Kibum made his way over to the car, congratulating himself for walking there today.

"Help me load the car and we'll go" Jinki told him and he complied.

On the ride to Jinki's, they talked about anything and everything, getting to know each other more than they already did. When they arrived they carried the bags in and placed them in Jinki's kitchen, putting up anything that needed to be put in the refrigerator.

"We have to clean the table and chairs on the back porch" Jinki announced.

"So, hose them off?" Kibum asked.

"And then dry it off" Jinki answered.

"Easy enough, when is everyone supposed to be here?" Kibum asked.

"Around 6 or 7" Jinki answered, "Let's get started"

They walked outside and Jinki went to the watering hose on the side of the house. He brought it to Kibum and walked back to turn it on.

"Is it on?" Kibum asked when no water came out.

"Yea, is it not working?" Jinki asked.

"No" Kibum answered and looked down the hose for something clogging it.

Suddenly, water shot out of the hose, splashing Kibum.

"There was a kink in it!" Jinki exclaimed and came back around the corner.

Jinki began to laugh at the sight of Kibum, the younger then placed his finger on the hose to make the water go everywhere as he pointed it at the older. Jinki laughed harder as he attempted to block the water with his hands and Kibum came closer.

The water fight lasted until they were both soaked and in need of new clothes. Kibum couldn't figure out what he felt about the way the fight ended. They were wrestling over the hose and Kibum's shoe's became slippery on the wet concrete. When he felt himself falling, he expected to hit his head and have to go to the hospital, instead he felt Jinki's arms wrap around him. One hand on the back of his head and the other on his back as they both fell on the concrete.

"A-Are you okay?" Jinki asked.

"Yea, thanks to you" Kibum answered.

"Well, it's better to have a hand injury rather than a head injury" Jinki replied awkwardly.

They got up, careful not to slip again, and headed inside to dry off and change. They had both decided to just cover the furniture in towels rather than hose it down. They headed to Jinki's room to get clothes.

"Here, change into this, I think it'll fit" Jinki said and handed Kibum some clothes.

"Thank you" Kibum bowed a little, taking the clothes from the older.

"I'm going to change in the bathroom" Jinki said, walking into his bathroom and closing the door.

Kibum took his sweet time drying off and getting dressed, a part of him wanting Jinki to walk in. From the incident earlier, Kibum has the suspicion Jinki may like him. The way he blushed when he realized their position gave it away. Kibum didn't know what to do with this knowledge, he didn't want to lead him on, but he wanted to find a way to forget about Jonghyun.

He has stopped getting dressed while thinking about it, leaving him without a shirt. He heard the bathroom door open and his eyes met an embarrassed Lee Jinki's.

"S-Sorry, I didn't know you weren't done" Jinki stuttered as Kibum slipped the dry shirt on.

"It's okay" Kibum replied with a chuckle, "It's almost 6, you should start cooking"

"Yea, I'll do that" Jinki told him and left the room.

Kibum had to admit, Jinki was cute, but he wasn't Kibum's type. He grabbed his phone and started texting Minho.

**Kibum: Are you coming to the cookout?**

**Minho: Yea, I'm Jonghyun and Taemin's ride**

**Kibum: I'm already here, I was helping Jinki set up. I have something to tell you**

**Minho: Save it for later, Taemin is reading these texts out loud**

Kibum let out a sigh of relief that he hadn't revealed anything.

**Kibum: Oh, you're on your way**

**Minho: Bingo, see you there, hyung**

Kibum smiled at 'hyung', which he knew Taemin added. He then walked out of Jinki's room and out to the back porch.

"They're on their way now" Kibum told him.

"Okay, let them in when they get here" Jinki replied, not looking up.

"Is there anything you need?" Kibum asked, walking closer.

"N-No, I'm fine" Jinki stuttered, eyes glued to the grill.

"Okay" Kibum replied and headed back inside.

He hoped Jinki wouldn't be like that all night. He sat down in the living room and waited patiently for the guests to arrive.


	4. In My Eyes, That's The Real Monster

There was a knock at the door and Kibum practically ran to it.

"Took you long enough" Kibum greeted.

"We're on time" Minho replied, "Let us in"

Kibum moved out of the way and opened the door further, closing it when everyone was inside.

"Jinki is grilling on the back porch, come on" Kibum told them.

They followed him outside and Jinki saw them and smiled.

"Welcome, food will be done soon" Jinki told them.

"Thank you for inviting us" Jonghyun bowed, "Need any help?"

"No, thank you" Jinki replied.

Taemin, Jonghyun, and Jinki began to chat together as Kibum pulled Minho to the side.

"I need advice" Kibum started and Minho looked at him confused.

"For what?" Minho asked.

"I think Jinki likes me" Kibum whispered.

"How do you know?" Minho asked, whispering as well.

"We both fell and he was on top of me and he started acting kind of awkward with me, then he walked in on me shirtless and his face was as red as a tomato" Kibum told him.

"You can't assume anything unless he tells you" Minho replied.

"But, in case I'm right, what should I do?" Kibum asked.

"Let him down nicely, just don't toy with his feelings because I swear Kibum if you hurt that boy I will hurt you" Minho answered.

"I don't want to hurt him, I'm thinking about giving him a chance" Kibum replied.

"Think carefully before acting" Minho warned and walked off as Jinki started putting food on plates.

The whole meal, Jinki wouldn't look Kibum in the eye, and the younger couldn't help but feel bad. After the meal they hung out for a while and then everyone except Jinki piled into Minho's car. Everyone was dropped off at their house except Kibum, who went home with Minho. They ended up sitting around in Minho's room, talking about whatever came up.

"I think I'm losing it Minho, why have I doomed myself to this one-sided love?" Kibum asked, staring at the ceiling.

"Just tell him, it'll make you feel a lot better" Minho replied leaning his head on his hand.

"How do you know? You can't even tell Taemin you like him" Kibum rolled his eyes and sat up on the bed.

"Just because I can't do it doesn't mean you can't, and I know because it's the common advice for this situation" Minho told him, "How about if I tell Taemin then you have to tell Jonghyun"

Kibum sighed, "But it's easy for you, Taemin is single and Jonghyun isn't. If you tell a single person you like them they'd turn you down nicely, but if you tell someone in a relationship either they'll remind you through the whole conversation they're with someone or their partner will hate you and possibly go after you"

"But it will be so much better than what you're going through now" Minho said.

"You're right" Kibum sighed, "Why are you always fucking right?"

"Because I'm me" Minho replied.

Just then, they heard a knock on Minho's front door.

"Were you going to have another guest?" Kibumm asked, confused.

"No" Minho answered as there was another knock.

"Well answer it!" Kibum told him and Minho quickly got up, Kibum not far behind.

Minho opened the door to see Taemin in a giant coat that covered his neck completely.

"Taemin, what are you doing here?" Minho asked.

"Can I stay the night? I don't want to be home" Taemin answered.

"Of course, come in" Minho told him and moved out of the way.

"Hello Kibum" Taemin bowed.

"You look like you've seen a ghost, is everything okay?" Kibum asked, concerned walking up to the boy.

"I-I'm fine" Taemin smiled.

Minho came up to Taemin and turned him around slowly, "Take off the jacket" The words came out as if he didn't want to say them.

"But I'm cold" Taemin lied.

"You'll take it off at some point, just go ahead and do it now" Minho replied.

Taemin just nodded before unzipping the coat. Kibum watched carefully, hoping it wasn't what he thought, but there was nothing else it could be. The youngest slipped off the jacket to reveal bruises on his arms and a light one on his neck. Minho carefully hugged him, petting his hair gently.

Kibum's hand covered his mouth, "Oh, Taemin" He muttered, holding back tears.

"H-He hadn't done it in so long, I thought he changed" Taemin said, trying not to cry, "I need somewhere to stay, I-I was kicked out"

"Do you know why he did it?" Minho asked.

This triggered Taemin to start hugging Minho tighter as he sobbed into the older's chest.

"B-Because I told h-him I liked a b-b-boy" Taemin sobbed.

Minho and Kibum shared a sympathetic look, knowing the situation well.

"I just need somewhere to stay until I can get my own place" Taemin managed, calming down.

"Stay here as long as you need to" Minho told him.

"Thank you, hyung" Taemin replied.

Minho broke the hug and Taemin started wiping his eyes.

"I'll get some extra blankets and pillows" Minho said and headed to a closet.

Kibum decided to tell Taemin the story of when he told his parents he was gay, being kicked out so quick he couldn't even pack anything. He had found Jonghyun then, and begun staying with him until he could get a place. The story made the younger feel much better about his situation.

After getting together the blankets and pillows, Minho went out to get them some food since everyone was hungry.

"But, who's the lucky guy?" Kibum asked.

Taemin blushed, "That's uh..."

"I won't tell anyone" Kibum promised.

"I trust you, I just don't wanna say" Taemin replied.

"That's okay, but can you tell me one thing?" Kibum asked, "Do I know him?"

"Y-Yes" Taemin blushed, "But that's all I'm saying!"

"That's all I wanted to know Taebaby" Kibum replied smiling, "You take the bed tonight, you deserve it"

"Are you going to sleep on the couch?" Taemin asked.

"Either that or head home, I'll decide later" Kibum answered.

It was silent for a while before Taemin spoke.

"Did Minho tell you anything about my family?" Taemin asked.

"No, this is my first time hearing anything about it" Kibum told him.

"You wouldn't mind if I vented to you, would you?" Taemin asked.

"Let it all out, I'll listen to it all" Kibum answered.

"Well, my mother died when I was 13, she was really sick. That's when my father began drinking regularly, I didn't think much of it at first. Then he didn't stop, and he started getting violent, beating me after a bad day at work" Taemin paused and shifted on the couch, "Finally he stopped, drank less and stopped beating me. I thought he'd changed, gotten better, so I stayed after High School. I should've known not to tell him, but I thought he's my father, he loves me"

Kibum pulled Taemin into a hug then, seeing the younger begin to tear up.

"It's okay now, we're your family, and we'll always love you" Kibum told him.

"You don't even know everything about me" Taemin sobbed.

"That doesn't matter, I will support you through it all" Kibum told him, "We've been through similar situations, being kicked out over something we can't control"

"Thank you, hyung" Taemin replied.

"You're welcome" Kibum smiled to himself and broke the hug.

Minho came back with chicken and they all ate, laughing and having fun. Kibum went home that night, deciding that hopefully Minho would tell Taemin and the night would be better for the youngest.


	5. With A Sigh I Drift Farther

The next day Kibum woke up to a text from Jonghyun asking if he and Taemin wanted to hang out since Minho and Jinki have work.

**Kibum: I'm up for it, did you text Taemin?**

**Jonghyun: He hasn't replied**

**Kibum: I'll just go ask him**

**Jonghyun: Did he spend the night?**

**Kibum: At Minho's yea, and he's just down the street**

**Jonghyun: Ah, okay**

Kibum got dressed and made himself presentable before going down the street and knocking on Minho's door. No one answered so Kibum used the hidden key and let himself in. He knocked on the bedroom door and there was still no answer. He opened the door and Taemin was curled up in the middle of Minho's bed, the older having already left for work.

"Taemin-ah!" Kibum sang, "It's time to wake up!"

Taemin groaned and buried his head in a pillow in response.

"Yah! Get up, sleepy head" Kibum laughed and shook the boy lightly.

"Umma, I'm tired" Taemin wined.

"You should go to bed earlier then" Kibum replied, "Jonghyun wants to know if we want to hang out"

"Sure" Taemin replied and rolled over rubbing his eyes, "Let me just get dressed"

"I'll let him know to pick us up here" Kibum told him and left the room.

**Kibum: Pick us up from Minho's**

**Jonghyun: Okay, we're stopping by work though so I can change my hours**

**Kibum: Alright, me and Taemin will just hang out there until you're done**

Jonghyun picked them up without question as to why Taemin and Kibum were bundled up when winter had barely started. They headed to the store where Jonghyun and Kibum work and went inside. They walked to the back of the store before Jonghyun turned around.

"It shouldn't take me long, I'll call you when I'm done and we'll meet in the front" Jonghyun told them.

"Okay, see you later" Kibum replied and turned to Taemin, "Lead the way"

"What do you mean?" Taemin asked.

"Go on and browse, I work here so there's not much for me to see" Kibum answered.

"Oh, okay" Taemin replied and started looking around.

They ended up in the women's clothing section, just browsing the clothes. They came across a light, almost white, pink blouse with a big bow on the collar and Taemin stopped to look at it.

"This is cute, I'd wear it" Taemin said, picking one off the rack.

"Buy it then" Kibum replied and the younger jumped.

"A-Are you kidding? This is a girl's top, heh" Taemin said embarrassed and put it back.

Kibum looked at the younger confused at his sudden change of mind.

They continued through the store and Kibum somehow ended up leading.

"Hey Taemin, wh-" Kibum turned around to find Taemin gone.

He sighed to himself and got out his phone, calling the younger.

"Hello?" Taemin answered.

"Where'd you go?" Kibum asked.

"Just meet me up front when Jonghyun-hyung is done" Taemin replied.

"Why can't I just stick with you?" Kibum asked.

"I... I just don't want to be found out yet" Taemin answered and hung up before Kibum could reply.

Time passed and Kibum just waited outside of where Jonghyun would walk out. He felt his phone vibrate, indicating he was getting a phone call, and he answered it.

"Hey I'm done" Kibum heard double as the older walked out of the doorway.

Kibum smiled at him and hung up.

"Where's Taemin?" Jonghyun asked.

"He wanted to do some private shopping" Kibum answered, "He should be waiting up front"

"Alright, then let's go" Jonghyun replied.

They got to the front of the store and Taemin had something inside of layered plastic bags all tied at the top so you couldn't see what was inside.

"Hello hyungs" Taemin smiled, "Can I drop this off?"

"Sure, where do you live?" Jonghyun asked.

"Minho's apartment" Taemin mumbled.

"Don't you have your own place?" Jonghyun asked.

Kibum glared at the older as Taemin answered.

"Not anymore" The youngest answered, "But that's fine, let's just go"

They got to the apartment and Taemin ran in to put the stuff up. While he was gone, Jonghyun received a lecture for asking too many questions. Taemin got back in and they made their way to Jonghyun's.

As the day went on, Jinki and Minho joined after work. They were both complaining about the draining day they had and everyone decided alcohol would be the best solution.

They all were trying to be careful with how much they had, not wanting to get too drunk since some had to walk home. Somehow, they all ended up in a drunken Mortal Combat tournament. Minho was currently the champion and Jonghyun was doing anything to beat him.

"Just let me win once!" Jonghyun yelled, "A pity win, please!"

"Face it, you'll never win" Minho laughed.

Everyone was watching Minho and Jonghyun's endless fight, laughing whenever they shouted something ridiculous at each other.

Kibum was trying to keep his mouth from saying what he thought, and he seemed to be doing pretty well. Suddenly, he felt arms snake around his waist. He turned around to find a drunken Jinki with his face buried in Kibum's back.

"Jinki?" Kibum asked quietly.

"Shh, I'm sleeping" Jinki answered.

"On me?" Kibum asked with a giggle.

"Yes, but you have to be still" Jinki wined and straightened up, placing his head on Kibum's shoulder.

The younger went stiff as he felt something pressed up against him, a blush growing on his face as he realized what it was.

"I love you" Jinki mumbled so low it was probably supposed to be to himself.

"Wh-What?" Kibum asked, turning to him.

"Hmm? I-I didn't say anything" Jinki replied embarrassed.

"Yes you did" Kibum told him, "What was it?"

"N-Nothing important" Jinki replied.

"Are you sure?" Kibum asked.

"Y-Yeah" Jinki answered, breaking the hug in embarrassment, "I'll be back" He said then scurried in the direction of the bathroom.

Kibum couldn't help but smile at the way he sped off to the bathroom, and turned his attention back to the game. He checked the time and saw it was getting late, so he finished off his last drink.

"I'm headed home!" Kibum announced.

"Bye, see you tomorrow!" was heard throughout the apartment and a defeated yell from Jonghyun who lost to a distracted Minho.

That night, Minho ended up in Kibum's apartment. The same thing happened, names of men who weren't there was all that was said in the end, leaving both of them happy, yet incomplete.


	6. I Would Give You My Everything

They both woke up to Kibum's alarm that morning. Minho had work and Kibum was calling in sick due to his headache. They both walked down to Minho's to check on Taemin.

Minho headed straight for the shower while Kibum looked for Taemin. He found him asleep like yesterday with his head covered.

"Ya! Taemin! Wake up!" Kibum called shaking the boy.

The younger groaned and rolled over, he said something but Kibum didn't quite catch it. The older's attention was taken by an article of clothing on the other side of the room. He picked up a skirt that had been discarded, looking at it annoyed.

"Hyung? Hyung!" Taemin yelled and sprinted out of bed, grabbing at the skirt.

"Ya! Did you have a girl over?!" Kibum asked angry, not letting him grab the skirt.

He turned to glare at the younger but his expression softened when he saw him. He was wearing the top they had looked at yesterday and extensions in his hair to make it appear longer. Kibum's arm lowered as he gave back the skirt to a terrified looking Taemin.

"H-Hyung, I can explain" Taemin stuttered.

"Please do" Kibum replied, turning completely around.

"Have you ever heard of" Taemin paused, looking uncertain, "Gender fluidity?"

Kibum shook his head, "But I think I can guess"

"I don't stick to just one gender, I'm not always male, I'm not always female" Taemin explained simply, "Please don't tell anyone, I don't know how they'd react"

"I won't say a word I promise" Kibum replied, "Don't be careless if you don't want people to know though, hide all this so Minho doesn't think what I did"

"Where is Minho?" Taemin asked.

"In the bathroom" Kibum answered.

Taemin's eyes widened, "There's heels in there"

Kibum jumped up and rushed out of the room, he listened but he couldn't hear any water running. He knocked on the door lightly.

"Minho, are you almost done?" Kibum asked.

"I'm getting dressed" Minho replied and Kibum sighed in relief.

Some time passed before they heard a bang come from the bathroom, Kibum instinctively moved away from the door as the next second it was swung open. Kibum grabbed the boy's arm making him look at him.

"What are you going to do?" Kibum asked.

"I'm kicking him out" Minho answered, pulling his arm away.

Kibum ran in front of the younger and grabbed both of his forearms.

"Don't do it, it's not what you think" Kibum told him.

"What else could it fucking be?! High heels in my bathroom, what else does that mean god dammit?!" Minho tried not to yell.

"Use your fucking brain you brute" Kibum replied.

Taemin then walked out of Minho's room slowly, dressed in the same thing as earlier only with the skirt. Minho's expression calmed down and Kibum looked behind him to see what Minho saw.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier" Taemin mumbled, not looking up.

Minho pushed past Kibum and pulled the youngest into a hug.

"It's okay" Minho told him, "Don't feel bad please"

"Minho, are you alright?" Taemin asked.

"I can't believe I was about to kick you out" Minho answered, upset at himself, "I was going to just let go of someone so important to me"

"Wh-What?" Taemin stuttered.

Minho broke the hug to look at Taemin, both trying to read the other's expression. Minho slowly started getting closer to Taemin until there was no space left between them. It surprised the older when Taemin kissed back, and Kibum smiled at the display of affection. They broke the kiss but nothing was said before they began kissing again. Kibum took this as a sign to go back to his apartment, so he did.


	7. I Hold In My Breath And Hide It

Every once in a while, they would all dye their hair. It was like a tradition to surprise each other with new hair. So today, while Minho and Taemin had their alone time, Kibum went to color his hair a strawberry blond.

After getting his hair done he texted Jinki.

**Kibum: Do you wanna hang out?**

**Jinki: Sure, when?**

**Kibum: I'll come get you now if that's alright**

**Jinki: Yea that's fine**

**Kibum: Okay, I'm on my way**

He arrived at Jinki's and the older sprinted out of his house and to the car. Jinki secured himself in the passenger seat and they headed to Kibum's.

"Didn't you have work today?" Jinki asked.

"I called in, woke up with a massive headache" Kibum answered, "I think Minho called in too"

"How is Taemin?" Jinki asked.

"They're staying with Minho" Kibum answered.

"Are they..?" Jinki asked.

"From what I saw, yes" Kibum smiled.

"Finally, they'd been making eyes at each other forever" Jinki replied.

"Minho never stopped talking about Taemin" Kibum told him.

"Taemin was the same way" Jinki replied with a laugh.

"We're here, Minho's is down the block but I wouldn't interrupt" Kibum told him and got out of the car.

Kibum led the older to his apartment and let him in.

"It's nothing great but it's not horrible" Kibum said walking to the fridge, "Do you want something to drink?"

"Sure, what do you have?" Jinki asked.

"Lemonade fresh from this morning" Kibum answered, "Or I could make tea or I have coke and water"

"Water is fine" Jinki answered.

"Coming right up" Kibum replied.

He walked back into the living room with two glasses, one had water and the other had lemonade in it.

"Thank you" Jinki said and took his drink.

"What do you wanna do?" Kibum asked, taking a sip of lemonade.

"We could watch a movie" Jinki suggested.

"Sure, do you have a certain one you want to watch?" Kibum asked.

"I wanna watch a horror movie" Jinki told him.

Kibum let out a fearful breathy laugh, "Pick one then" He replied, "I'll make some popcorn"

"Okay" Jinki smiled and started going through DVDs.

They began to watch the movie and Kibum jumped at every little thing, Jinki found this quite adorable. Finally, there was a really scary part and what Jinki was waiting for happened. Kibum got so scared that he clung onto Jinki as if he was his sheild. Jinki slipped his arm around the younger, cuddling him. Kibum snuggled into him, hiding his face when he got scared. During a romance scene, Kibum managed to fall asleep.

He woke up to Jinki shaking him gently.

"Ya, the movie's over" Jinki said quietly.

Kibum rubbed his eyes before stretching himself out a bit.

"Who died?" Kibum asked.

"Everyone but the main two" Jinki answered.

Kibum sat up and stretched again.

"How late is it?" Kibum asked and they both checked their phone.

"It's only about 5:30" Jinki answered.

"I've got a text from Minho" Kibum said, "Me and Taemin will be over at six" He read aloud.

"Guess we better prepare for company" Jinki said.

"They won't expect you here but they'll get over it" Kibum replied sleepily, "I've gotta wake myself up"

Kibum got up and headed to the kitchen sink to splash his face with cold water.

"They'll probably be hungry when they get here, I'll make some ramen real quick" Kibum said and got out a pot and some noodle packets.

Jinki set the table while Kibum cooked ramen. Minho and Taemin arrived just in time to have hot ramen.

"So, you two are finally together?" Jinki asked, smirking.

"Yea, we finally told each other" Minho answered.

"And did you..." Jinki trailed off, giving Taemin a look.

"They both know hyung, you can say it" Taemin told him.

"They told us after a misunderstanding" Kibum revealed.

"Sounds like you two took it well, anyone that makes them feel bad for it let me know" Jinki said in a serious tone.

"Only if they're still alive after me" Minho replied.

"They'll be mentally dead by the time they get to you" Kibum added.

"No one hurts our friend" Jinki smiled at Taemin who was shocked at all the support.

"Thank you hyungs" Taemin replied, "I'm very grateful to have friends like you" He said, taking a bite of ramen.

"You're welcome, never expect anything less from us" Kibum told him.

"What's the story with you two?" Taemin asked, "I saw how you two acted at Jonghyun's yesterday"

Minho watched Kibum carefully while Kibum felt like he was going to choke on his food. He didn't know what to say, he didn't want to say the wrong thing.

"U-Uh, we're just friends" Jinki answered nervously.

"But Jinki-hyung yesterday you were-" Taemin began.

"I was drunk yesterday" Jinki interrupted, "We're not together or anything"

"You two are cute together" Taemin mumbled and Kibum choked a little on his drink.

"R-Really?" Kibum asked.

Taemin nodded, "You two already looked like a couple yesterday so I'm not judging blindly"

Jinki left after dinner but Taemin and Minho stuck around for most of the night.


	8. All The Meaning Of The World Disappears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is explicit at one point, feel free to skip past the flashback

"Taemin, can I trust you with something very important?" Kibum asked.

Taemin nodded, "Of course hyung, I won't tell anyone"

"Minho already knows and I think you should too" Kibum began, "I like Jonghyun"

"Doesn't he have a girlfriend?" Taemin asked.

Kibum sighed, "Yes, and he's not interested in men in the slightest" Kibum answered, "But there's still this hope in me that I can't seem to shake off"

"That's why you were quiet when it came to Jinki-hyung" Taemin said as everything clicked in their mind, "He really likes you"

"I know, he's really sweet" Kibum replied.

"Don't lead him on" Minho warned, "You know you'll just want Jonghyun in the end"

"But I could fall in love with him, it's possible" Kibum replied.

"If you date him you have to be serious about it, don't use him as a second choice when you're crush becomes too much pain to handle" Minho told him, "You'll have to completely forget about your feeling for Jonghyun, because I swear if you break his heart Kim Kibum I will hurt you"

"I don't want to hurt him, he's too nice and sweet. He doesn't deserve heartache" Kibum said.

"Then don't date him at all, it'll just end in heartbreak for him" Minho replied.

"You're right" Kibum groaned.

"When am I wrong?" Minho asked.

"When you thought Taemin was straight" Kibum scoffed and Taemin giggled.

"That doesn't count" Minho replied with a chuckle.

"So, what did you and Jinki do?" Taemin asked.

"We watched a horror movie" Kibum answered and received a disapproving look from Minho, "What did I do?" He asked defensively.

"I know how you get during scary movies, please tell me you didn't do what I think" Minho answered.

"I got scared and the next thing I know his arm is around me and I'm in his lap" Kibum replied, "He picked out the movie not me! It's not always my fault"

"You can't just do that to someone who's in love with you" Taemin said, "Especially if it's Jinki"

"We snuggled for the rest of the movie and I fell asleep" Kibum told them, ashamed.

"You might as well already be dating" Minho sighed.

"Why don't you tell Jonghyun how you feel?" Taemin suggested, "With it off your chest maybe you don't have to break Jinki's heart"

"You have to tell him anyway, remember our deal?" Minho asked.

"You were serious about that?" Kibum asked.

"Yea I was, the deal was if I tell Taemin then you tell Jonghyun. I've done my part" Minho smiled and put his arm around Taemin, pecking their cheek.

"You two getting together was like a scene out of a drama, when I tell Jonghyun I'm most likely going to cry" Kibum replied.

"But if you do it you can try being with Jinki and you wouldn't have any reason to think of Jonghyun" Taemin told him.

"That could work, I just have to set a day for myself" Kibum replied.

"Do it Wednesday" Minho told him.

"This Wednesday? That's in two days" Kibum said, feeling nervous.

"Yes this Wednesday, if you want to do this you have to do it soon or you won't do it at all" Minho replied.

"How would I tell him?" Kibum asked, sounding defeated.

"Just say you have something to tell him" Taemin answered, "And let him know that you know he can't love you back"

"I just hope he doesn't start to treat me differently" Kibum said, "Like he starts to make it awkward when it doesn't have to be"

"If you don't tell him it'll be awkward for you" Minho told him.

"Yea, you're right. I am getting so tired of telling you that" Kibum replied, "So, how was you two's day?"

Taemin couldn't hide the blush that showed up on their face.

"We just watched movies and stuff you know" Minho lied.

"Choi Minho do not lie to me" Kibum replied.

"We kissed a lot" Taemin revealed.

"I thought so, but that's not all is it?" Kibum asked, "Minho what did you do to my child?"

"Nothing bad" Minho smiled.

"But something dirty" Kibum replied sternly.

"Maybe" Minho mumbled.

"That's a yes" Kibum looked annoyed, "What was it? You didn't..?"

"No" They answered together.

"Then what happened?" Kibum asked.

"A kiss may have gotten a little too heated" Taemin answered.

**Earlier:**

They heard the door close and lock and the kiss began to deepen. Tongues were fighting as curious hands wandered. Taemin slipped their hands under Minho's shirt, his abs tensing under the younger's fingertips. Minho used his hands to grab Taemin's ass and pull the younger closer, their clothed erections brushing making the two moan. Minho broke the kiss to remove both of their shirts and attached his mouth to Taemin's collarbone. Moans of approval came from the younger as the kisses and bites continued down. Minho stopped at the hem of Taemin's skirt and looked at them for approval.

There was a silent approval and Minho slipped off the skirt and underwear. Taemin let out a soft moan as the cold air hit their burning flesh. Minho hesitated at first, having never been in this situation, but soon gained confidence and wrapped his hand around the base causing Taemin to gasp. He licked the slit a couple of times before taking the head into his mouth. Taemin tangled a hand in the older's hair and let out a moan. Minho then took him into his mouth causing the younger to tighten his grip and let out a long moan. With every bob of Minho's head Taemin would become more of a moaning mess.

" _ Ah!  _ M-Minho" Taemin moaned when he hallowed his cheeks.

Minho started going faster and Taemin's head fell back with a string of moans.

"Minho, I-I'm close" Taemin moaned and Minho continued to pump him as he stood up to look the younger in the face.

"You're so beautiful" Minho told them, pumping his hand faster.

Taemin couldn't respond through their moans as they neared release. Minho attached his lips to Taemin's adams apple, causing the younger to let out a long moan. Soon after, Taemin released on their stomachs with Minho's name on their lips. Taemin was panting as Minho pulled them in for a kiss.

"I love you" Taemin said breathlessly.

"I love you too" Minho replied and brought their lips together again.

**Present:**

"You've robbed them of their innocence!" Kibum gasped.

"You should've seen what happened next, it was the best feeling in my life" Minho told him and Taemin hid their face in embarassment.

"I don't want to hear it, to me Taemin is still innocent" Kibum replied.


	9. Now Slowly Lift Your Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter gets explicit once Jinki comes over and stays that way until the end

Wednesday came faster than Kibum wanted it to, he had been working so much the past couple of days it felt like he hadn't been home. Wednesday was him and Jonghyun's off day, the older would come over at three. He'd leave around seven as he had something else to do.

Kibum was racing around his house trying to make it look good since he hadn't gotten to straighten up in a while. He cooked some ramen and had everything ready by three.

Kibum hesitated to open the door when Jonghyun knocked, he was afraid of what might happen when the truth comes out. Jonghyun knocked a second time before Kibum finally answered.

"Hey" Jonghyun smiled.

"Hello" Kibum smiled back and let him in, "The ramen is still hot and you can pick the movie for us to watch"

"Sounds good" Jonghyun replied and walked to the dining area.

Jonghyun sat down at the table as Kibum took the ramen off the oven and brought it to the table.

"So Minho finally asked Taemin out?" Jonghyun asked.

"Yea, I'm sure they meant to tell you sooner" Kibum answered, placing the ramen on the table.

"As long as they're not hiding it from me I'm fine" Jonghyun replied.

Kibum took a seat across from the older and began to serve himself.

"Why have you been so distant lately?" Jonghyun asked as he watched the younger serve ramen to both of them.

"That's..." Kibum stopped, should he tell him now? No, no, it's too soon, "There's just been a lot on my mind"

"Have you talked to anyone about it?" Jonghyun asked, getting worried.

"I've been talking to Minho" Kibum told him, "There's nothing to worry about, it's not like that"

Jonghyun sighed in relief, "Whatever it is, don't let it get like that"

"I won't, I'll never be like that again" Kibum assured.

"Good" Jonghyun replied and took a bite of his ramen.

Kibum felt his phone vibrate in his pocket, he quickly took his phone out to check the text.

**Minho: How's it going? Did you tell him?**

Kibum slid his phone back into his pocket with a sigh and began to eat his noodles.

"Who was that?" Jonghyun asked.

"Just that frog prince nagging me" Kibum answered.

"What about?" Jonghyun asked, slurping up a noodle.

"Something I'm supposed to do, he keeps reminding me" Kibum told him.

"When do you need to do it?" Jonghyun asked.

"Sometime tonight" Kibum answered.

They finished their ramen and Kibum kept going through his mind trying to find a good time to tell him. Jonghyun picked out a Romantic Comedy for them to watch and Kibum couldn't help but imagine the two of them in the lead roles. Kibum wished he could have laid his head in his lap, but he settled for resting his head on his shoulder.

The movie ended and it was ten past seven, and Jonghyun was rushing to leave.

"Hey Jonghyun, I have something to tell you..." Kibum trailed off and looked to the ground.

"Hurry because I can't stay much longer. Chaeyeong is waiting for me" Jonghyun replied, slipping his jacket on.

"You two have a date today?" He asked looking up.

"Yea it's our anniversary" Jonghyun smiled so bright Kibum thought for once he'd be sick from that smile.

"Well then it can wait, it's bad to be late to an anniversary dinner" Kibum smiled at him.

"Are you sure? It seemed important" Jonghyun asked, confused.

Kibum scoffed, "Not as important as you two's anniversary"

"Okay, see you tomorrow then?" Jonghyun asked.

"Yea, tomorrow" Kibum answered and started to straighten things up as a distraction so the tears that were threatening didn't fall.

"Bye!" Jonghyun called happily opening the door.

"Bye" Kibum mumbled as the door closed.

Then the first tear fell, followed by more and more. How could he have forgotten their anniversary? He felt like from forgetting that one thing he had been beat up and left for dead. Kibum picked up his phone and dialed Minho, he needed to calm down and vent.

"Hello?" Minho answered.

"How could we have forgotten?" Kibum sobbed into the phone.

"What happened?" Minho asked, concerned.

"We forgot how important this day was" Kibum continued, "It's so important to him and I forgot"

"Tonight was their one year wasn't it?" Minho asked with a sigh of frustration, "I'm so sorry, I'm sure it was worse than it would've been"

"I couldn't do it Minho" Kibum almost whispered.

"What?" Minho asked, "Kibum, if you don't do it you never will"

"How could I have done it tonight? I couldn't ruin the anniversary" Kibum replied, holding back more sobs.

"Promise me you won't do anything stupid" Minho told him.

"Does no one trust me?" Kibum asked, "I'm hanging up" He said and pressed end.

The tears didn't stop then, they didn't stop for a while. When they finally did, he picked up his phone again and did something that would make Minho furious the next day. He dialed Jinki and waited for him to pick up.

"Hello?" Jinki answered.

"Hey Jinki, are you free?" Kibum asked.

"Yea, why?" The older asked.

"Wanna come and hang out?" Kibum asked.

"Sure, I'll be over soon" Jinki answered and hung up.

He's sure he opened the door too quickly when he heard the knock, but all that was on his mind was to forget about Jonghyun so he could've cared less.

"Hey" Jinki smiled and Kibum moved to let him in.

Kibum closed the door and leaned against it, starting to have second thoughts.

"So why the sudden request to hang out?" The brunette asked.

A hand on Jinki's shoulder had him turning around to face the blonde, a desperate look on his face. Before Jinki could ask anything the younger had connected their lips in a hungry kiss. Kibum pulled away and looked Jinki in the eyes.

"Because I want you" Kibum said.

Jinki looked at him shocked and began to open his mouth but nothing came out for a while, "I-I didn't know you felt that way about me" He managed to say.

Kibum inched their faces closer, "Do you feel the same way about me?" He asked in a low tone.

Jinki closed the gap between them for a short sweet kiss, "What do you think?" He replied, voice just as low.

Kibum kissed him again and Jinki kissed back, the kiss was full of desire and need as Jinki lifted Kibum up. Kibum had one hand cupping Jinki's cheek and the other on his neck as the kiss continued with tongues dancing around each other. Kibum broke the kiss and brought his lips to Jinki's ear.

"The bedroom is that way" He whispered and pointed to the door.

He began to bite at Jinki's ear, then continued on his jaw and his neck as he was carried to his bedroom. Jinki set him down gently on the bed and the kiss began again as Kibum pulled the older onto the bed and over him. Kibum then slid his hands under Jinki's shirt and slipped it off with permission. The younger took his own shirt off and tossed both across the room. Kibum didn't expect Jinki to grind against him and the younger let out a moan at the friction. Jinki's lips were on Kibum's collar bone, sucking, licking, and biting at the skin trying to find the most sensitive spot. The way the younger moaned and arched his back let Jinki know he had found it, so he abused it.

"Jinki" Kibum moaned, "I want you in me"

The older's face got red which caused Kibum to blush as well.

"Do you really want this, you're not drunk or anything?" Jinki asked.

"I'm not drunk" Kibum chuckled, "I want this, I want  _ you _ " He cupped the older's cheeks and looked him in the eyes lovingly.

Jinki leaned down and connected their lips in a sweet kiss. That kiss may have been the sweetest and most sincere kiss Kibum had ever experienced. It stayed sweet and innocent for a while, all lust almost forgotten. Almost.

Jinki's hands started to travel down and eventually groped Kibum's crotch causing him to gasp. The older rubbed the younger's crotch, causing him to moan into the kiss. As Jinki continued, Kibum's hands made their way to the older's belt buckle. Kibum broke the kiss and smirked as he undid the buckle and removed the belt. Kibum got off the bed and Jinki turned around, his legs dangling off the edge as Kibum unbuttoned Jinki's pants. It didn't take long for Jinki to be stripped to his underwear. His erection was obvious and Kibum took his sweet time to teasingly take Jinki's underwear off.

The underwear was finally discarded and Kibum's was on his knees with his hand wrapped around Jinki's cock. He started pumping the older at a slow pace and he groaned at the action. Kibum licked up his length before slipping the head into his mouth. A soft moan of approval came from Jinki as Kibum began to bob his head. Jinki tangled his fingers in Kibum's hair as the younger quickened his pace.

"Kibum" Jinki moaned, voice deep and sending shivers down Kibum's spine.

Kibum removed his mouth with a pop and got up to kiss Jinki. The older began to undo Kibum's pants, slipping them off quickly along with his pink boxers. Kibum blushed as Jinki seemed amused with the underwear.

"They're cute" Jinki said and pecked Kibum, "Just like you" He whispered in Kibum's ear and pecked it afterward.

Jinki connected their lips in a passionate kiss that heated up quickly. Kibum's hands were on Jinki's ass as he rubbed their erections together. He brought his lips to Jinki's ear and let out a soft moan making the older shiver.

"Fuck me Jinki" Kibum whispered seductively and bit his ear, "Lube is in the end table drawer"

Jinki retrieved the lube as Kibum sat himself on the bed. Lube in hand, the older returned to his lover who took the bottle from him. Kibum coated three fingers and began to prepare himself, keeping eye contact with Jinki as he moaned at the feeling. Jinki moved closer and began to pump Kibum slowly, causing his moaning to get louder.

"J-Jinki" Kibum moaned and Jink connected their lips.

The kiss didn't last long as Jinki began to lick and bite at Kibum's neck, grinning at the effect he had on the younger.

" _ Ah~  _ , I'm ready" Kibum moaned and Jinki laid him down.

Jinki coated his cock in lube, letting out a soft moan at the feeling. He lined himself up with Kibum's hole, but stopped before pushing in.

"Let me know if I need to stop" Jinki told him and pushed in slowly.

Kibum let out a string of moans as Jinki pushed all the way in and stopped.

"You can move" Kibum assured with a smile.

Jinki connected their lips as he began to move slowly, getting faster as he kept going. The kiss broke as Kibum's nails dug into Jinki's back as they both moaned. Countless phrases were said as they both got closer to the edge.

"Ah! Jinki, r-right there, harder" Kibum moaned, his back arching.

Jinki found the spot again and stayed at that angle, hitting it hard.

"I-I'm close" Kibum moaned.

"Me too" Jinki replied and began pumping Kibum's member.

The younger couldn't form words as he hit his climax and came on their stomachs and Jinki rode out his orgasm, releasing inside of Kibum. Jinki pulled out and kissed Kibum sweetly before collapsing beside him.

"I love you so much" Jinki told him.

"I love you too" Kibum replied, catching his breath.

Kibum turned on his side and curled up next to Jinki and pulled the covers over them.

"We'll clean up in the morning" Kibum mumbled before shutting his eyes.

Jinki pecked his forehead and wrapped an arm around him before closing his eyes as well.


	10. I Close My Eyes And Spit It Out Once

Kibum woke up to the back of Jinki's head. While they were sleeping, Kibum managed to pull the other close to him. He let go of the older and stretched while sitting up. Jinki rolled over beside him and Kibum felt eyes in his back.

"Good morning" Kibum said and turned to look at the older.

Jinki smiled at him, "Good morning" He replied.

"I'm going to shower, you can shower when I'm done if you want" Kibum announced and got up.

He picked up whatever was near and slipped it on before continuing through the room to get his clothes he would wear for the day. He headed to the bathroom and started his shower.

When the younger got out he found Jinki had fallen asleep again in the same position. Kibum smirked as he walked over to the older.

"Wake up Jinki, it's morning" Kibum sang.

"I'll be up soon" Jinki mumbled.

"I'm going to make breakfast, shower quickly so it doesn't get cold" Kibum replied.

Jinki hummed in response as Kibum left the room.

Kibum got out all the supplies to make pancakes and smiled when he heard the water running. He prepared the breakfast at a slightly slow pace, just to make sure Jinki wouldn't have to eat cold pancakes. He heard the water stop and started to finish up. By the time Jinki was walking in the kitchen/dining area the pancakes were done.

"Looks delicious" Jinki smiled and sat down as Kibum set the plate in front of him.

"Enjoy" Kibum replied and sat down across from him.

"So, are we together?" Jinki asked, shyly cutting into the pancakes.

"Only if you want to be" Kibum answered.

Jinki smiled at him and he smiled back, then Jinki leaned over the small table to peck Kibum on the lips.

"Do you wanna grab some chicken to bring to Minho's?" Kibum asked.

"When do I not?" Jinki asked, taking a bite of his pancakes.

"I thought it'd be a yes" Kibum smiled and took a bite as well.

When Kibum showed up with Jinki, Minho didn't think much about it. Once Jinki wrapped his arms around the younger's waist and rested his head on his shoulder, Minho had suspicions and he wasn't happy.

"Kibum, can we talk?" Minho asked and the older nodded.

Jinki let go of Kibum after pecking him on the cheek and Kibum followed Minho to his room.

"What the hell was that?" Minho asked.

"What the hell was what Minho?" Kibum replied annoyed.

"You and Jinki?" Minho asked, angry.

Kibum sighed, "I have to get over Jonghyun alright, and Jinki is really sweet. Maybe I could learn to really love him" He answered.

"But what if you never do, are you just going to play with his emotions?" Minho asked.

"No... No I just, I can't keep getting hurt by someone I don't have Minho it's killing me" Kibum answered, "Jonghyun is happy with Chaeyeong and I can learn to be happy with Jinki"

Minho sighed still angry, "In the situation you've set up someone's going to get hurt"

"I know, but last night all I could think of was that I had to forget him" He replied.

"And did you?" Minho asked.

"Don't ask questions you know the answer to" He told him.

"Jonghyun's here!" Taemin announced.

Minho was the first to leave his bedroom, and Kibum followed a little while afterward.

"Is everything alright?" Jinki whispered to him.

"Yea, yea everything's fine, can we cuddle on the couch?" Kibum asked in an innocent tone.

"Whatever you want" Jinki smiled and they sat down.

"Hey guys, how's everyone been?" Jonghyun asked, walking in.

"Good, how was the anniversary dinner?" Minho asked, his arm draped around Taemin.

"I made it on time, and we had a great time" The older answered.

"Has it already been a year?" Jinki asked.

"Time flies doesn't it" Jonghyun answered turning his attention to Jinki, "When did this happen?" He asked, smiling.

"I finally got the courage to ask him out yesterday" Kibum stated, "It went better than expected"

Jonghyun's smile got bigger, "We could go on triple dates now" He giggled at the idea.

"That'd be a trainwreck" Taemin replied.

Kibum tuned out the rest of the conversation after that, closing his eyes and focusing on Jinki's heartbeat. He wasn't with Jonghyun, but he was happy. He was only with Jinki to forget Jonghyun, but he was happy. He was happy, He was  _ happy _ . If he kept telling himself he was happy then he'd believe it, right?

Wrong. Jinki had work that night so he left early and Kibum felt he had to busy himself. He began washing the piles of dishes left in Minho's sink. He was left alone for a while until Taemin became curious.

"Umma, do you need any help?" The younger asked.

"No, I've got it" Kibum answered.

"What's wrong?" Taemin asked, "Did you tell him?"

Kibum stopped his actions at that question and turned to face the younger.

"It was Jonghyun and Chaeyeong's anniversary, I couldn't do it" Kibum answered with a sigh.

"So why are you with Jinki-hyung?" Taemin asked.

"I screwed up Taemin, I broke down after Jonghyun left and I just needed someone... He's so sweet, I want to find a way to make it work but I'm so scared I'm going to hurt him" Kibum answered.

"Just be careful and please don't hurt him. He was my only friend that accepted me for a long time" Taemin replied.

"I know I can be happy with him if I try" Kibum told the younger, "He doesn't deserve the bad end of my mistakes"

"Does Minho know?" Taemin asked worriedly.

Kibum nodded, "And he's not happy about it" He answered.

"Didn't think he would be" Taemin replied, "Maybe if you do learn to love him then Minho will lighten up"

"I hope so" Kibum agreed, "So, are we all going to end up on a triple date?"

"I think they're planning it now, we'd better go in there" Taemin answered with a giggle.

Kibum forced a smile and followed Taemin into the living room. He sat down where him and Jinki had been earlier, remembering the warmth and faux happiness.

"Do you think Jinki would be okay with a triple date?" Jonghyun asked.

"As long as he doesn't have work" Kibum answered.

"This Saturday would work right?" Jonghyun asked.

"Yea, just let us know when and where" Kibum answered.

"So how's work Minho?" Chaeyeong asked.

"So far so good, I got threatened the other day that I'd better start showing up and stop calling in" Minho answered.

"Why haven't you been going to work?" She asked, concerned.

"I've been helping them get a job" Minho answered, pointing at Taemin.

"But you need to go so you get paid" She replied.

"I have money saved up" Minho told her.

"Our work is hiring, they can work there" Kibum suggested, "And you can go to work again so you two don't end up homeless"

"I can put in a good word for them too" Jonghyun added.

"Thanks guys, I'd really appreciate it" Taemin replied, smiling.

"What kind of friends would we be if we weren't there for you" Jonghyun told them.


	11. I Don't Know What Will Happen

If Kibum was with Jinki, Jonghyun wouldn't even enter his mind for a second. He trained himself to be like that, he wasn't going to hurt him. They spent a lot more time together, whenever the others had stuff to do they were together until one had to leave for work. They often slept over at each other's places, whoever had work that day would be the bed for the night. Lately, it had been Kibum's and Jinki would have dinner hot and ready for when the younger came home. Tonight, it was Jinki's house they would be sleeping at.

Jinki always hated working on Fridays, but he needed the money. Kibum prepared dinner like Jinki did for him, and had it hot when the older came home. Then Jinki would shower and Kibum would get ready for bed himself. They always fell asleep in each other's arms, happy and anticipating the next day. When Kibum was with Jinki, he started to feel happy for the first time in a while.

Waking up was a routine too, the one who didn't shower the night before would do so while the other made breakfast. Jinki listened for the water to stop before he said anything.

"Get it while it's hot!" Jinki yelled as he finished up.

Kibum was out in no time, his stomach rushing him to the table.

"I'm so hungry, the smell of it is almost edible" Kibum said before taking a huge bite of egg.

"You're so cute" Jinki commented, smiling at him.

"I just shoved an egg into my mouth" Kibum scoffed.

"It was cute" Jinki replied.

Kibum just giggled before stuffing his face with more food.

After breakfast, they began to pick out what'd they were to wear to the triple date that evening. It was more of Kibum finding what Jinki had that would match what he had already decided on.

"This would match" Kibum said while sifting through clothes.

Jinki watched him in awe, he still couldn't believe they were dating. He never thought he'd get that lucky that the guy he liked would like him back. 

They were both pulled out of their thoughts when the doorbell rang.

"Were you expecting visitors?" Kibum asked, confused.

"No" Jinki answered just as confused.

Kibum put the clothes down and followed Jinki to the front door. The doorbell rang again and Jinki answered it, eyes widening at the sight.

"Jinki!" A female voice rang as she wrapped her hands around the taller.

"Umma" Jinki smiled.

"Your Appa is in the car, he's coming though" Mrs. Lee told him and broke the hug, "It's so good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too" Jinki replied, "What brings you two here?"

"We haven't seen you for months so we decided to drop by, we've missed you" She answered as Mr. Lee walked up.

"Hello son" He smiled and came up to him for a hug.

"You should've called so I could have something ready" Jinki told them.

"Aren't you going to introduce us to your friend?" Mr. Lee asked.

Kibum froze, how was Jinki going to introduce them? Boyfriends or just friends? He was jerked away from his thoughts quickly as he came closer and introduced himself.

"Hello, I'm Kim Kibum" He waved and bowed to the elders.

"Umma, Appa, this is Kim Kibum" Jinki said and wrapped his arm around Kibum's waist, "My boyfriend" He smiled.

The two's facial expressions fell at the words 'My boyfriend' and a silence filled the room.

"W-What?" Mrs. Lee asked as if she didn't hear, "Did you say...  _ boyfriend _ ?"

"Yes" Jinki answered with a serious voice, taking note of the situation, "What's the problem?"

"You must mean you're just really close friends, our Jinki wouldn't be gay" Mrs. Lee replied.

"Your Jinki is gay, Kibum is my boyfriend" Jinki told her.

"This bastard" Mr. Lee finally spoke, fist headed to Jinki's face.

Kibum had been watching Mr. Lee in fear and was prepared when his fist came flying. He pushed Jinki out of the way, the elder's fist landing on his cheek.

"Kibum!" Jinki gasped and checked to see if he was okay.

Jinki was quickly dragged away by his father.

"How could you do this and upset your Umma like this?!" He asked, angry.

"There's nothing to be upset about, there's nothing wrong with it!" Jinki yelled in response.

His father threw him to the ground in rage and started to punch his face, each fist followed by the next. Kibum grabbed the man's arm to stop him, tears streaming down his face.

" _ You  _ made him like this didn't you!" Mr. Lee yelled, "This is all  _ your  _ fault!"

"Yes, hit me, just stop hitting your son please" Kibum managed before he was drug to his feet by his shirt.

"You  _ ruined _ my son, he was never like this before!" He yelled, sending punches to the face and gut.

Jinki scrambled to his feet, and stumbled in the direction of his father. Jinki's fist flew with a yell to his father's cheek, earning a gasp from his mother. Mr. Lee let go of Kibum's shirt and stared at Jinki in shock.

"Jinki, how dare you hit your father" Mrs. Lee spoke up.

"How dare you let him hit me" Jinki replied, "Now get out"

"Do not talk to us like that" Mr. Lee said sternly.

"Get out of my house" Jinki told them.

"Lee Jinki we are your parents, you should talk with some respect" Mrs. Lee replied.

"Get. Out. Of. My. House!" Jinki yelled, "And do  _ not  _ come back under  _ any  _ circumstance"

Mrs. Lee was the first to turn around and head out the door, followed by her husband soon after. They shut the door behind them and Jinki turned to Kibum immediately.

"Are you alright?" He asked, afraid.

"I will be" Kibum responded weakly.

"You can see straight right? Your vision isn't becoming blurry" Jinki asked.

"It was earlier, I'm okay now" Kibum answered.

"I'm sorry they were like that" Jinki apologized.

"You didn't know" Kibum replied, "Don't apologize for them"

Instead of responding, Jinki pulled Kibum into a hug. It wasn't too tight in case he was too badly hurt, but it was sweet enough to make Kibum cry again.

"I wish you hadn't gotten hurt" Jinki said, "You don't deserve that"

Kibum's sobs became audible at that, his grip on Jinki tightening.

"I'm so sorry baby" Jinki told him and pet his hair gently, "I love you"

"I love you too" Kibum sobbed out.

The words felt like they rolled off the tongue naturally, but at the same time they burned as if they weren't true.


	12. The Only Medicine Is You

Kibum used make-up to cover up the bruises that clothes couldn't, neither of them wanted to attract unwanted attention. They didn't know how to explain what had happened, but they did not want any misunderstandings in public.

Jonghyun and Chaeyeong chose where they were going, so everyone met up at Jonghyun's and followed him to the destination. Taemin and Minho carpooled with Kibum and Jinki, and Kibum couldn't help but worry about the make-up coming off or Jinki's sweater riding up his arm showing his bruised wrist from his father's grip. He kept fidgeting, either shaking his leg or messing with his hands whether they were talking or not. Jinki noticed this and laced their fingers together, rubbing his thumb on the back of Kibum's palm. It worried Kibum at first since Jinki was driving, but after they stayed that way for a while that worry subsided.

They arrived at an arcade and met Jonghyun outside the entrance.

"I rented the place out, we have unlimited coins until 6pm" Jonghyun told them with a triumphant smile, "Let's go in"

Jonghyun led them in and up to the main desk, he received their coin cards and led them into the arcade section of the building. He passed out the coin cards to everyone and they ran around like kids, playing any game that appealed to them. The only couple that stayed together was Jinki and Kibum. Kibum played whatever Jinki played or whatever was near him, his fears from earlier still bugging him. Jinki didn't mind though, he felt the worry was partially his fault so he more than gladly comforted him.

Minho and Kibum ended up in a Mortal Kombat battle as Taemin and Jinki watched amused. Both of them had gotten their names on the leaderboards, now they were deciding who was the King of Mortal Kombat. Kibum had a good streak and was confident about winning until he overheard Jinki and Taemin and all of his focus disappeared.

"What happened to your wrist?" The younger asked worried.

"N-Nothing, it's nothing" Jinki replied nervously, pulling up his sleeve.

The next thing Kibum knew, Minho was cheering for himself.

"I am the Mortal Kombat King!" Minho announced triumphant.

"Y-Yeah right, I let you win" Kibum replied, trying to act as if nothing was bothering him.

"You want another round?" Minho asked, confident of winning again.

"Maybe later" Kibum answered, fidgeting with his hands.

"Kibum, are you alright?" Minho asked, "You never back down from a chance to prove you're better"

"I'm fine" Kibum answered, flashing a smile.

Jinki laced their fingers and began trying to calm like earlier.

"Are you sure you're alright? Your hands were shaking" Minho asked.

"It's five minutes til six, we have to go" Jonghyun said running up with Chaeyeong, "Is everything alright?"

"Everything's fine" Taemin spoke up, "Where are we going next?" They asked.

"Me and Jonghyun are going to pick up some KFC for everyone" Chaeyeong answered.

"You guys can just meet us at my place" Jonghyun told them.

When they left, the four of them made it to Jonghyun's first as expected. They waited in Jinki's car, since none of them had the key, for Jonghyun and Chaeyeong to arrive. They had talked the whole way there, but now they all sat in silence until Taemin spoke.

"Who did it to you?" Taemin asked, his tone serious.

The other three looked to the youngest, but only Jinki replied.

"I told you it was nothing, I just hit my arm on something" Jinki answered.

"Do you really think you could lie to me about a bruise like that?" Taemin replied.

"What bruise, what happened?" Minho asked concerned.

Jinki let Kibum roll up his sleeve for him, revealing the bruise from when he was dragged away from Kibum by his father.

"Kibum, you knew about this?" Minho asked, anger flaring up.

"I was there" Kibum revealed and lifted his shirt up to show his bruises.

"What happened to you two?" Minho asked.

"My parents came over for a surprise visit this morning" Jinki began, "They found out I'm gay and my father was furious, I've never seen him throw a fist in his life. Next thing I know, Kibum is pushing me out of the way of the first hit. From then on, it went back and forth a bit until I hit him and demanded them out" Jinki finished.

"If they ever show up again, call me" Minho told him.

"I thought they'd be happy for me" Jinki said, tears welling up in his eyes, "I thought they'd support me"

Kibum wiped the older's eyes before speaking.

"It'll be okay, you don't need their approval" Kibum told him, "Family are the people who are by your side and support you all the way through, and most of us here have had to make our own"

He kissed Jinki's lips lightly.

"I'm happy as long as I've got you" Jinki smiled and Kibum smiled back as Minho glared at him.

"I love you" Kibum told him.

"I love you too" Jinki replied, pecking his lips.

"Jonghyun's here!" Taemin exclaimed, rushing out of the car to help carry food.

"I take it he was hungry" Kibum scoffed before getting out of the car himself.

They went inside and acted as if nothing had happened. They all seemed to silently agree they'd only tell if they were asked. Of course they were asked and they had to retell the story. Jonghyun had the same reaction as Minho, but thankfully this talk didn't end with Jinki in tears. Instead it ended with Kibum in Jinki's arms feeling the safest he's ever felt.


	13. Dig Into You Like A Thorn

One hit after another, one insult after another, then hours of nothing but their own breathing. They never believed they'd ever even  _ see  _ him again, let alone he remember what they look like after the consumption of so much alcohol. Taemin knew everyone else was probably worried sick, they could just imagine the situation.

Minho calling their phone over and over, being sent to voicemail each time. Jinki holding Kibum in his arms because of how hard he's crying because he just knows something has happened to his baby. Jonghyun driving around town looking for them as Chaeyeong walks the streets asking if anyone has seen them. Everytime Taemin thought about it they'd start crying, whether they had reached the emotionless state or not.

Taemin's father found him, and Taemin didn't even see him coming. One minute they're heading to an interview, the next their dad is turning them around and slapping them across the face. They tried to call Minho but their phone was smacked out of their hand and Taemin was dragged back home. They had struggled at first, but once the basement door was locked they knew it was no use, they learned that from a curious childhood.

Every couple of hours he'd come down to beat and curse at them, then leave when he was satisfied. Taemin began to lose hope when they started to get closer to what they assumed was death.

-

Minho roamed the busy streets with Jinki on the phone.

"Just keep calling them and I'll keep searching, how's Kibum?" Minho asked.

"I think he cried himself to sleep" Jinki answered, "God I hope Taemin's okay"

"I do too" Minho sighed.

Suddenly, a familiar noise filled his ear when Jinki was saying something about how Kibum acted earlier. 

"H-Hold on" Minho told the older.

Taemin's ringtone was going off in the streets, he followed the sound to a potted plant. That's when Minho saw a light out of the corner of his eye, he moved the leaves to reveal it and hung up on Jinki. He picked up Taemin's discarded phone and answered the call from 'Umma'.

"Hello?" Jinki answered Kibum's phone eagerly.

"Jinki, wake Kibum up, I think Taemin's been taken" Minho told him.

The minute he woke Kibum up he regretted it as the younger began asking for Taemin. The hardest thing was telling Kibum that their friend was missing and that Minho thinks they were taken. Jinki had to calm him down all over again, stroking his hair and wiping his tears away. Minho and Jonghyun arrived just as Kibum began to calm down.

"So how are we going to find them?" Jonghyun asked.

"We'll just go to the po-" Jinki began.

"No, we can find them on our own" Minho interrupted.

"Can we though?!" Kibum burst out, "Just because you don't want to go to the God damn police doesn't mean we shouldn't!" Kibum replied harshly.

"We could do a better job on our own" Minho shot back, "Trust me" It sounded as if there was venom in the last words, words meant to hurt someone who wasn't there.

"But are you sure we'll find Taemin quicker?" Kibum asked in a serious tone, "Is it worth risking their safety because you just don't like the police?" Kibum's voice cracked slightly through his last words, threatening another break down.

"You guys can go to the police for all I fucking care! I'm going to find them myself!" Minho yelled and stormed out of the apartment.

Kibum, Jinki, and Jonghyun wasted no time in going to the police, Kibum carrying Taemin's phone as if it was the youngest's life line.

-

When the dysphoria kicked in, it felt like if their father didn't off them then Taemin would do it themself. All of a sudden their clothes were telling them that they are a he and they can't escape that. Everything their dad said about them implied that they were forever a he, their father might as well carve it into them. Taemin just wanted to rip his skin off and reveal their real body, one that hopefully wouldn't make them feel so dysphoric. But, they knew it would just be temporary because at some point they'd feel they were another gender. At least when they were living with Minho they could dress how they wanted and how they felt, but here their stuck in the same clothes, bleeding through them anyway.

For hours, they've been watching the same piece of dry peeling paint rock in the cool wind created by the creaking fan. The fan shook so violently Taemin felt as if it could break off the ceiling and come at them any moment, maybe then they'd be free. There was a matress in the corner of the enclosed space, a spring stuck out of a corner and Taemin envied it. At least the spring was almost free of it's prison, while they were put even deeper into theirs. There was nothing else in the room, except for paint peelings that had fallen off the concrete walls and the concrete stairs that led to the exact place they wanted to be.

It had started getting to the point where Taemin just wanted their father to come down there with a metal bat and beat them to death. If their friends weren't going to save them then death would surely be better. 

They stiffened when yelling could be heard upstairs, and suddenly the cold concrete and cheap mattress corner seemed like the safest place as they curled themself into a ball, preparing for the next beating.

"Where are they!?" Taemin heard a muffled voice demand.

"None of your God damnned business! Get out of my house you faggot!" A voice that they knew was their father's yelled.

"Where are you keeping Taemin?!" The second voice demanded again and the last remaining bit of Taemin's hope multiplied.

They got up and rushed up the stairs to beat on the door, "Minho! Minho is that you?! I'm in the basement!" Taemin yelled, hoping the older would hear them.

"Taemin!" Minho's voice yelled back and they heard footsteps getting closer to the door.

"Be careful, he has weapons!" Taemin yelled in warning.

"If I can just get this lock open" Minho muttered to himself.

There was a noise, a noise that Taemin didn't want to identify, then the door opened, then Taemin felt a weight on them, then they were on the ground, then it was black as their head collided with concrete.

-

When Taemin opened their eyes again, all they could see was a forearm, a forearm they knew all too well. Even under a t-shirt the younger knew it was the well chiseled arm of Choi Minho, for a second they thought they were back to safety. But Taemin looked around their surroundings and tears threatened to come at the situation. They sat up on the mattress and scooted back onto the wall to sit by Minho.

"I should've never left your side" Minho almost whispered, as if he wanted the sentence to be swept up into the creaking sounds of the fan, "If I had just walked you to work this would've never happened" Minho's gaze never faltered from the ceiling, even when Taemin's head found its way onto his shoulder, "This is all my fault" He continued and blinked a tear from his eye, "And now we're both stuck here"

Taemin linked their arms together and placed a kiss on the older's cheek.

"It won't be as bad now that I'm with you"

-

"Th-Their name is Lee Taemin, they didn't come home yesterday, we found their phone in the city. We think someone to-ook them" Kibum told the officer.

"Do you know of anyone who would want to hurt him?" The officer asked.

"Their father" Jinki said feeling dumbfound, "I know where they are"

"Take me to him" The officer replied.

It was a long run through ice cold rain before they made it to their destination.

"Knock on the door and I'll advance if necessary" The officer told Jinki.

Jinki knocked, light and even, like a finger tapping on a table, showing the fear he shares with Taemin of the younger's father. There was no answer after a minute, so Jonghyun knocked for him, loud and hard, showing they were here for something and he was intended to get it. The door opened soon after, and they could already smell the alcohol off the man.

"Yes, who are you?" The man asked.

"I'm Taemin's friend Jinki, remember me?" Jinki answered, hiding the fear in his voice by squeezing Kibum's hand.

"What did you come here for? You know Taemin doesn't live here anymore" Mr. Lee replied.

"I know, but they've gone missing, I was wondering if you knew where they are" Jinki told him.

The door slammed in his face with a loud thud, air blowing in their faces. Jinki turned to Kibum who's grip on his hand did not loosen. The younger's face looked as if he had just seen as ghost, he was so white he could blend in with the clouds before they became grey.

"What's wrong Kibum?" Jinki asked worriedly.

"Th-There was bl-lood" Kibum answered, his other hand gripping Jinki for balance.

The officer quickly pushed past them and pounded on the door. The door flung open in annoyance.

"What?!" Mr. Lee asked, face turning to shock at the sight of the officer.

"Where is Lee Taemin?" The officer asked, "And why is there blood on your floor?"

Mr. Lee stood there, frozen as the officer pushed past him and to the blood in front of a door that looked as if it could fall off its hinges. A few kicks to the door proved the observation wrong, so a shot to the knob had it opening quickly. Kibum, Jinki, and Jonghyun followed behind the officer and down the stairs to the concrete room.

"Lee Taemin?" The officer asked when he spotted a figure.

"Y-Yes?" Taemin answered, fear lacing his voice in the dark room.

"Taemin!" Kibum exclaimed and pushed past the officer and embraced the youngest, trying to keep himself from crying again.

"Minho? How'd you?" Jinki started.

"I found them first, but I failed in rescuing them" Minho said discouraged.

"Come on, group hug" Jonghyun said and everyone surrounded Taemin, knowing to be gentle.

"Minho" The officer spoke up.

Minho let go of Taemin and looked the man in the eye, as if he were burning holes into him before responding, "Father"


	14. Don't Lose Focus, It's Dangerous

No one had time to fully register what Minho had said before Minho began swaying while walking up to the officer and falling onto his side. No one could hear Minho and the floor collide through Taemin's strangled scream of the boy's name. Backup had just arrived for Officer Choi as he picked up his son and ran to the ambulance he knew was outside. Everyone followed, like baby ducks behind their mother. Only Taemin and Officer Choi were allowed in the ambulance, the rest of the ducks being left in the rain, lost and confused because their wings seemed to be stuck.

"We'll call you when you can see him" Officer Choi told them before the doors closed in their faces.

Jonghyun turned around, dumbfounded he spoke, "So that's where his father ended up" Jonghyun said, anger evident in his voice, "That's why he didn't want to go to the police, he knew..." He balled his fist, squeezing as if he was squeezing an almost empty ketchup bottle.

"What happened between him and his father?" Jinki asked and Kibum intertwined their fingers.

"I don't think it's our place to say sweetheart" Kibum answered, taking a long sigh before speaking again, "Let's get to my apartment before the rain gets worse, I'll cook some Ramen and we'll wait for the call"

Jackets served as umbrellas as the rain got worse, and as it got harder all the three could think of was how Taemin could be crying just as hard right now. 

Kibum was in between the two older boys, hand in hand with one, forearms brushing with the other. Nothing was spoken on the long route to Kibum's apartment, just the sound of the street buzz, their shoes colliding with puddles, and the loud pitter patter of rain on their soaked jackets. If it wasn't for the situation that had just taken place, Kibum would list this under one of his favorite moments in his life. That is, until thunder sounded and he jumped making the other two stop. Jonghyun and Jinki began to comfort him in their own ways as the thunder didn't stop, and Kibum stuck this moment back into his favorite moments. They finished the walk with Jinki's arm around Kibum's waist and Jonghyun's hand in his.

Kibum dried all of their jackets before he started to make three servings of Ramen. The stove was so warm he almost wanted to live in the heat and forget about making the Ramen, but his stomach protested and soon dry noodles were in boiling water.

"Do you think Minho is going to be okay?" Kibum heard Jinki worry.

"I'm sure he'll be okay, minus his father" Jonghyun reassured the older.

"What about Taemin though? What if they're seriously hurt and no one has noticed yet?" Jinki continued, and Kibum could hear in his voice how his hands were shaking.

"Taemin is at the hospital as well, if something is wrong with them then they'll be taken care of as soon as it happens" Jonghyun told him, "They are both going to be fine, and we will most likely hear from them by tomorrow"

Kibum didn't see it but he knew that after that sentence Jinki nodded and looked down, studying the floor as if he had never seen it before. Memorizing every crease and groove and line in the wood flooring.

"Ramen's ready" Kibum announced, the normal sing song of his voice far off somewhere he didn't think he'd be visiting again in a while.

They ate in silence so that if even the lightest vibrate of one of their phones happened they could jump at it. Finally, a vibration came from Jonghyun's pocket and all eyes were on him. The eyes fell back down to their food and were followed with heavy sighs when Jonghyun revealed it was Chaeyeong.

"Hello... Yeah we found them, I meant to text you the details... Minho is in the hospital right now, he collapsed when we found them... I don't know anything about either of them yet, we're waiting for the hospital to call... Be safe out there, I love you... Bye" A long sigh emitted from Jonghyun as the call ended and he slipped his phone back into his pocket.

"Where is Chaeyeong? Usually if something happens she's here" Jinki observed.

"She's out of town with her family, they're trying to get her to marry someone rich and keep money in the family" Jonghyun told them, the worry they expected in his voice absent.

"You don't sound worried" Kibum pointed out.

"I know she loves me and if I'm wrong then I'm wrong and this will be the end of our relationship" Jonghyun replied, a type of sadness that can only come from heartbreak on the edge of his, unnatural for Jonghyun, soft voice.

"You really trust and love her" Jinki smiled, even if it was broken it still brought a smile to Jonghyun and Kibum no matter how small and short.

"I just hope she doesn't make a fool of me" Jonghyun worried, and both of the boys in front of him could feel their heart sink.

"I have never seen you two fight, and I don't see any reason for her to ever let you go" Jinki tried to reassure him.

"I know, but money changes people" Jonghyun's voice was far from his own, he sounded like someone who had been wronged so many times that emotions seemed to be non-existing.

"You've got to have hope, and if the hope fails then find another source. Just never give up" Jinki told him, his true smile breaking through the smile plagued with the events of today.

"Thanks Jinki" A small smile pulled itself onto Jonghyun's lips.

When Kibum's ringtone went off everyone turned to him as he answered the unknown number and placed it on speaker.

"Hello?" Kibum answered, anticipation in his voice.

"Kim Kibum? Friend of Choi Minho and Lee Taemin?" A voice that the three had heard earlier that day asked.

"This is he" Kibum answered, "How are they?"

"Taemin has been patched up and thankfully the worst they found were a couple of bad cuts, nothing serious" Officer Choi told them, discomfort in his voice.

"What about Minho?" Kibum asked, fear of the answer evident in how his voice and hands were shaking.

"While he was at the house, he suffered a head injury caused by a bat most likely. That blood on the floor was his" Officer Choi answered, he took a deep breath before continuing, "I haven't been in his room so I'm not sure how he's doing, or if he's even woken up yet. They said he'll wake up soon, and if everything's alright he and Taemin can go home as the boy refuses to leave his side"

" _ They  _ are not a  _ boy _ Officer Choi, and if you misgender them one more time Minho won't be the only one unhappy with you" Kibum threatened, his grip on the phone tightening.

"Yeah yeah, whatever, just get to the hospital because I'm sure  _ they _ don't want to be left alone with a man their boyfriend hates" Kibum could hear the way the man mentally rolled his eyes at using the singular they, so he hung up before he got in a fight with a cop.

"I'll drive" Jonghyun offered as the three of them filed out of the apartment.


	15. Even The Darkness Welcomes Me Tonight

They thought when they arrived Officer Choi would leave, but the man stayed and the atmosphere became uncomfortable as they waited for the nurses to say it was okay to see the now awake Minho. The nurses let all of them in at once, but Officer Choi waited outside and everyone was curious when he'd leave.

"I didn't know I had been bleeding that whole time" Minho told them, "I didn't feel light headed though"

"I didn't notice it either, it was so dark in there" Taemin added, even if they were trying to forget.

"If we had gone with you we could've prevented it, because you were right we would've found them quicker" Jonghyun contributed.

"What matters now is that everyone's alright" Kibum told them, trying to lighten the mood.

"They said you're aloud to go home, just be careful and don't do anything to reopen the wound" Jinki spoke up, "When you're ready we'll go"

"What happened with your dad?" Jonghyun asked Taemin.

"They put him in jail, we won't have to worry about him" Taemin answered, a happiness in their voice.

"It's getting late, and I'm sure everyone is tired, we should go" Minho suggests and gets up.

"Can I crash at one of you guys places, I don't think I'll make the drive home" Jonghyun asked as they watched Officer Choi spring up with eyes on his son.

"My couch folds out into a bed, you're welcome to sleep there" Kibum offered as he slipped him and Jinki's hands together at the sight of Officer Choi.

When Minho's eyes finally meet his fathers, everyone tenses and the air suddenly feels like it's suffocating them. Jonghyun walks out of the room first, and Minho is the last to walk out, an idea of the situation about to take place in his mind. They all push past the man, but, as Minho suspected, he grabs Minho's wrist before he gets too far.

"What do you want?!" Minho yelled, ripping his wrist out of his grasp and turning to the man.

"I want to talk to my son" Officer Choi answered, and it almost sounded like a plea for forgiveness.

"You said you didn't have a son a long time ago" Minho shot back.

"That was then, I made a mistake-"

"Oh you're damn right you did"

"But listen, I want to fix that"

"When did you start caring so much?" Minho let out a laugh, as if he thought the man caring was funny, "Because last time I checked, you're the one who left  _ us  _ with  _ nothing  _ in the middle of  _ nowhere! _ " Minho yelled back before turning to leave, fist balled so tight it was beginning to hurt.

"Minho wait-"

Minho sighed, "The scar is too deep, there  _ is _ no fixing it" He snapped and Taemin laced their hands together in attempts to calm him.

Everyone began walking again, faster than before, wanting out of there as quick as possible.

They made it back to the apartments without any unwanted followers, and most of them fell asleep as soon as their head hit the pillow. Most of them, that is.

Minho always showers before he sleeps, so that he doesn't have to do it that morning, but Taemin really wishes he had skipped it tonight.

Taemin has never had dysphoria this bad, but all the times anyone other than their friends talked to or about them it was always "he", "him”, "his", and "boy". It had been gnawing at them all day, and being alone did not help. Their thoughts began attacking them, kicking and punching until Taemin was just sobbing to themself about how they weren't valid. It hurt, but Taemin didn't know what "it" was, but it hurt. They were at war with themself, and they wanted Minho to hold them and say "it'll be okay" and "you are valid no matter what", but they didn't want him to see them like this.

What Taemin used to do for this was just dress how they felt, but this time seemed to be different as they were sobbing in their favorite shirt and skirt they bought with Kibum. Nothing was working this time and the tears wouldn't stop, it felt like their own tears were starting to suffocate them. They were wheezing from crying so hard, air became scarce. they tried to think of something else, distract themself, but everything connected to the same thing. Dysphoria.

They had been growing out their hair, it's going to be nice having that much hair to work with.  _ You should just cut it now, you are a boy in other's eyes anyway. _ Dysphoria.

Minho would be out of the shower soon to be with them.  _ Minho is gay, not pansexual, what is he even doing with someone like you? _ Dysphoria.

Taemin overheard Officer Choi on the phone with Kibum who had to correct him on their gender identity.  _ If you weren't fucking like this he wouldn't have had to.  _ Dysphoria.

Their favorite skirt.  _ You only have that because you can't make up your fucking mind. _ Dysphoria.

It was becoming unbearable, but when the calming sound of flowing water stopped Taemin went into panic mode. They didn't know how to stop crying, but they needed to before Minho came in to find them like this. They began wiping their tears and trying to slow their breathing.

"Stop crying... S-stop fuc-cking cry-i-ing" Taemin cursed at themself quietly, voice cracking. They felt so small in the middle of the bed they share with Minho, "S-s-stop befo-ore Min-ho" Taemin stuttered, tears continuing with their own determination.

The door knob began to turn and Taemin gave up and curled themself into a ball. They didn't see Minho's shocked expression as he walked in.

"Taemin, baby, what's wrong?" Minho asked, concern and shock in his voice as he crawled onto the bed next to them and pulled the younger into his arms, trying to console them.

No response came from them, just sobbing and wet tears that held all of the younger's secrets and worries in them, and when they broke the contents returned home never to be heard. Minho let them cry to him, knowing that he couldn't do anymore without knowing what was wrong. He didn't know he was doing just enough by being there and holding them. When the sobbing began to stop, Minho expected the younger to fall asleep, but when Taemin's voice broke the new silence he was proven wrong.

"I'm sorry" Taemin mumbled and Minho's heart shattered, the shards flying throughout him and making the pain worse as they stabbed him, "I'm sorry you had to see me like that"

"Taemin, I love you, these are the moments I need to be with you the most so I can help you. If you're sobbing so hard that you can't speak and I'm not there when I could be, then what kind of boyfriend does that make me?"Minho told them, his hand petting the top of Taemin's head.

"You deserve someone who's not a freak" Taemin began, "Someone who doesn't have panic attacks over stupid things. Someone whose father isn't an awful alcoholic. Someone who doesn't have dysphoria at the slightest pronoun. Someone... Who isn't me" The younger's voice became soft toward the end and tears threatened to fall from Minho's eyes.

"I don't want just anyone Taemin, I... I want you" Minho stopped before he began to cry.

"It's not about what you want, it's about what you deserve" Taemin corrected him.

"But what I want is more important" Minho caressed Taemin's cheek and wiped away a tear the younger didn't know was there.

"I love you" Taemin spoke softly, as if it was something for their ears only.

"I love you too" Minho spoke just as soft, and that's when Taemin's eyes fluttered shut.

That night they slept on top of the covers, legs tangled together and face to face. They slept through the morning and didn't wake up until the afternoon. Minho found these days with a sleepy Taemin to be his favorite.


	16. Leaving Just Questions Without Answers

_ Yelling. It was the only thing his parents did anymore. To be honest, he wanted to join in, but he had learned at a young age not to backtalk his father. Who knew a whole family could fall apart in a month? At first it was just overtime, and he'd be dead tired afterward. Then him and his mother began to notice the perfume and the way his clothes looked like he just threw them on. His mother found the woman quickly, anger burning in her as their suspicions were proven true. This is where they were now, driving endlessly, voices raising and raising, Minho had finally just tuned everyone out. _

_ That worked, until the car came to a halt that sent him lunging forward. _

_ "Get out" His dad demanded. _

_ "And leave you with all the money, the house, and our son? You're not getting rid of me that easily" His mother shot back. _

_ "I don't have a son, I don't have a family, me and Mrs. Lee are going to start our own family" His father told them. _

_ "Whether you like it or not we are still bound by this ring!" His mother yelled. _

_ Mr. Choi then ripped the ring off of his finger, throwing it at his wife. _

_ "You're such a child" Mrs. Choi spat, "If you think just taking off that ring is going to make me leave you with everything you are sadly mistaken" _

_ A gasp escaped Minho and his mother's mouths as they were both staring at a pistol that was aiming at the woman. _

_ "Get out of the car" Mr. Choi threatened, a glint in his eye that made Minho comply without question. _

_ He left his phone and anything valuable as if he was being robbed, none of it mattered anyway if he had no money. His mother did the same, the same fear in her eyes as she exited the car. As soon as they were out, he sped off. _

_ They both began working, and Minho dropped out of high school to help out more since he was younger. When he was 22 he became friends with Kim Kibum and Kim Jonghyun, he was able to find a nice place for his mother and buy himself an apartment with their help. They became three friends you just couldn't separate. _

-

That was how Minho finally explained it to everyone on the ride back from the hospital, all the words temporarily forgotten once warm beds welcomed them.

Kibum had woken up after getting two hours of sleep, when the clock had given him that information he felt the need to groan so loud and wake everyone else up in frustration. He knew why he couldn't sleep, and God did it make him feel so guilty. Jonghyun was in the other room and all he wanted to do was run out there and at the least tell him how he felt. And this feeling made Kibum want to cry, he thought he had forgotten about Jonghyun. He thought he was finally over it. He tossed and turned in bed, trying to get comfortable, trying to think about something else.

Then, familiar arms slid around his waist, pulling him close.

"Just because you can't sleep doesn't mean you should wake others" Jinki joked in his ear, placing a light kiss on his ear.

"I didn't mean to wake you" Kibum replied, relaxing in Jinki's arms.

"I don't mind" Jinki told him, "Is there anything you want to talk about?" 

"No, I just want to get more than two hours of sleep" Kibum answered.

"Usually if I can't sleep then something is bothering me" Jinki told him, "Is there anything wrong?"

"Everything's fine Jinki, I had a dream and it woke me up. One of those where you're like walking and then you fall and wake up instantly" Kibum replied, "Just hold me and I'm sure we can both get a good night's sleep"

"That sounds like a good idea" Jinki agreed and nuzzled into Kibum's hair.

That's when realization hit him, he's in love with two people. But one question remained in his mind, why couldn't he forget Jonghyun if he's in love with Jinki? Kibum's mind became a mess of answers that made sense but then seemed like nonsense. He closed his eyes and steadied his breathing, letting sleep take him before he thought too much.

Kibum woke up first, but instead of making breakfast he laid in bed. Sunlight kissed the bedroom floor and some of it snaked up onto the bed with Kibum, although it was sunny Kibum knew it felt so cold outside it could snow any minute. He laid there for ten minutes before dragging himself out of bed to start some kind of breakfast, probably just rice and eggs. His heart stopped as he spotted Jonghyun sitting up on his couch, immersed in his phone.

"Good morning" Kibum said and Jonghyun jumped a little.

"Good morning" Jonghyun turned his head and smiled at the younger.

"I'm going to make breakfast" Kibum announced, heading to his small kitchen.

"What's on the menu?" Jonghyun asked.

"White rice and eggs, nothing special" Kibum answered.

Breakfast went by fast, and then everyone had work. Kibum had to spend the whole day with the man he just realized he was still in love with. The familiar heart break sank in and he left work that day with a pack of cheap beers. That night, when Jinki was asleep, Kibum got drunk and called Minho to complain about his problems. The whole conversation was about Jonghyun, whether he was talking about how breathtaking he found him or how he wishes he could just be with him. It ended with Kibum crying and slipping back into bed with Jinki as if nothing happened.


	17. I Can't Come To My Senses

The next thing Kibum knew, it became a problem. He found himself drunk at midnight on his kitchen floor in front of the fridge with a pissed off Minho on speaker phone. Thankfully, Jinki seemed to sleep through Kibum's drunken hour and wouldn't even stir as the younger crept back into bed. He was careful not to get caught, knowing how it would break Jinki.

But tonight he guesses he just wasn't as careful as usual, cursing at his phone when Minho wouldn't answer. He kept calling and calling, but before Minho answered he saw something emerging from the darkness.

"J-Jinki? What're you doing awake?" Kibum asked, trying not to sound drunk and stop whatever tears were threatening to fall.

"Kibum, come to bed, stop doing this to yourself" Jinki begged, coming closer and holding out his hand.

"I-I..." Kibum didn't finish his sentence as he lost his words.

"I'm not as heavy of a sleeper as you think, I feel every movement, and you coming back with the stench of alcohol on you worried me" Jinki took the newly opened bottle out of Kibum's hand and poured it down the sink before throwing it away, "Why are you doing this to yourself?" Kibum could hear the heartbreak in his voice as the older knelt down in front of him.

"That..." Kibum began, tears threatening.

"You know you can tell me anything, I'll listen and I won't judge" Jinki told him.

"You wouldn't understand" Kibum mumbled, looking away.

"You need to let me help you" Jinki told him, a plea in his voice.

"I don't need help" Kibum replied sternly despite the tears escaping.

"Kibum, you're destroying yourself" Jinki grabbed the younger's chin, turning his head to look at the older.

"Then let me destroy myself" Kibum declared, and he could visibly see Jinki's heart shatter, "Maybe I deserve this, have you ever thought of that?"

"Nobody deserves this Kibum" Jinki told him, tears of his own falling.

"You don't know that, you don't know what a piece of shit I am" Kibum replied, his head falling into his hands.

"That doesn't matter-" Jinki began.

"It does matter Jinki! If it didn't matter I wouldn't be doing this!" Kibum interrupted, hands running through his own hair.

"Kibum, come on, let's get you sober and then we can talk about this in the morning or something" Jinki said, lightly grabbing the younger's wrist and standing up.

"No!" Kibum ripped his wrist free, "Stop trying to help someone who doesn't want it!" Kibum yelled at Jinki for the first time.

Time stopped, and Kibum instantly wanted to eat his words and let Jinki help him instead, because as soon as Jinki processed that Kibum yelled at him, he was walking away.

"J-Jinki?" Kibum asked after some time had passed and the older had re-emerged from Kibum's bed room.

"I'm going back to my place for a while, contact me when you're sober" Jinki deadpanned, turning for the door.

"Wa-Wait! Don't go!" Kibum cried, feeling the need to curl up in a dark corner and cry.

"I'm doing what you said, I'm stopping. Don't talk to me until you're sober Kibum" Jinki repeated himself before walking out of the apartment.

When the door clicked shut, Kibum's tears didn't stop. He needed someone with him, to cry to or just to watch him, he didn't care. Half of his heart just walked out of the door anyway. He couldn't call Minho, the boy would kill him, and if he called Taemin then Minho would overhear. His only choice was Jonghyun. 

He picked his phone off the floor and quickly dialed Jonghyun. The older answered after the first ring.

"Hello?" He didn't sound tired at all, but all of that slipped Kibum's mind completely.

"H-Hyung" Kibum managed through tears.

"Kibum, what's wrong?" He sounded more concerned than usual, Kibum rarely called him 'hyung'.

"I-... I made a mistake..." Kibum tried to tell him.

"Hold on, I'll be right over" Jonghyun replied, and Kibum's eyes widened.

"No don't-" He began but the call was ended before his pleas were heard.

Kibum thought about trying to look presentable, but he knew there was no point. He sat in front of his fridge, contemplating having another drink before Jonghyun got there. He knew he wouldn't finish it in time anyway, as Jonghyun didn't live far away and was probably speeding here. He just continued to cry, maybe if he cried enough then he wouldn't have any tears left for when Jonghyun tried to console him.

Kibum heard the door unlock and soon saw the silhouette of his best friend in the doorway.

"Kibum?!" Jonghyun's voice bounded through the apartment.

"Y-you didn't ha-ave to come" Kibum replied, wiping his eyes.

"I know you Kibum, and you were sobbing pretty hard, you need someone right now" Jonghyun told him, walking over and joining him in the floor, helping him wipe his tears, "Now, tell me what happened, and why you're drunk"

"I've been drinking a lot lately, for stupid reasons, but aparentlly Jinki has noticed. H-he tried to help me tonight and I-" Kibum stopped, tears welling up, spilling when a sob wracked his body, "I told him to stop trying to help me when I don't want it, I didn't just tell him I yelled at him Jonghyun" Kibum sobbed, "A-and now... Now he's gone. This was our first fight, but h-he left a-and I can't contact him until I'm sober and I have no ide-ea when that'll be"

"Come on" Jonghyun said and dragged the younger to his feet.

"Wha-what're you doing?" Kibum asked.

"You see, Jinki won't help people without them being on board as well. I, however, am going to make you sober up and talk to him and apologize" Jonghyun answered.

"But Jonghyun-" 

"I can trust you to get in the shower yourself right? A cold one? I don't have to be your mother do I?" Jonghyun asked, ignoring any protests.

Kibum finally complied, knowing he couldn't get around it, and that if Jonghyun began undressing him that he'd have an awkward boner to explain. He took a cold shower, and when he got out Jonghyun had a glass of water for him. Kibum was halfway into his first sip when Jonghyun being up so late and not being tired began to strike him as strange.

"Wait, how come you're up so late and you're not tired?" Kibum asked, rubbing his towel into his hair.

"I was... Working on something" Jonghyun answered, rubbing the back of his neck.

"You're lying" Kibum replied, "I know you too well for you to even try to lie to me"

Jonghyun sighed before replying, "I have insomnia Kibum" He answered, "I haven't been able to sleep for a while, especially without Chaeyeong. When I was over here I tried to sleep for hours, hoping a new environment would help, but it didn't work"

"Have you talked to a doctor about it?" Kibum asked, concerned.

"Not yet, I don't really see the point. They say it's not curable" Jonghyun answered, "But enough about me. I'm going to keep an eye on you for a while, you will not be allowed around any type of alcohol. You need to be completely clean if you want to apologize to Jinki"

Kibum rolled his eyes at how Jonghyun was promising to be like a caretaker to him.

"Ya! Don't roll your eyes at me!" Jonghyun joked, "I'm your hyung, respect me!"

Kibum began to laugh and Jonghyun joined after a while. He was happy after all that had happened, but then he thought about Minho finding out and his heart sank. He didn't express his concern, instead he went to bed and Jonghyun sat in the living room, and that's how his night ended.


	18. Your Scent Wetly Spreads Over Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Becomes explicit once Jinki leaves and stays that way for the rest of the chapter

This time when Minho's phone rang, Taemin rolled over and groaned.

"Just answer him" They whined, putting pillows over their ears.

"It's Jinki" Minho said, confusion in his voice as he picked up his phone, "Hello?"

"Good, you're awake, I'll be over in a minute. I have to tell you something" Jinki replied, the usual happiness in his voice gone, it sounded as if emotion didn't exist in him anymore.

Jinki hung up before Minho could reply, sending Taemin and him scrambling into clothing.

"It's half past midnight, something must be wrong for him to come now. I couldn't hear any emotion in his voice" Minho told the younger.

"Shouldn't he be with Kibum right now?" Taemin asked.

"If Kibum hurt him I swear I'm going to kill him" Minho declared.

The knock on the door had both of them rushing out of the room. They both reached for the door knob, but Minho ended up opening it.

"Did I... Interrupt something?" Jinki asked, noting the couple's messy hair and thrown on clothes making the two blush.

"It's nothing, what's up?" Minho asked, letting the older in.

"I just thought I'd stop by" Jinki answered, voice still empty.

"Aren't you staying with Kibum?" Taemin asked and Jinki let out a sarcastic laugh.

"I was" Jinki told them, tears welling up in his eyes, but he wiped his eyes before they fell.

"What did he do?" Minho asked, voice demanding an answer.

"I was just trying to help him" Jinki answered, "As I'm sure both of you already know, he's been drinking a lot lately, so tonight I tried to get him to stop and talk to me" Jinki took in a breath, "He kept pushing me away, until he finally yelled at me, told me to stop trying to help someone who didn't want help. That's when I left, I told him not to contact me until he was sober" The laugh that followed was short and sad, he wiped his eyes and that's when the two realized he had been crying in the dark room.

"You did the right thing" Taemin reassured him, rubbing his back.

"I know, but why do I feel so awful?" Jinki replied, trying not to cry any more than he already was.

The two of them saw when Minho tried for the door, and they each grabbed one of his arms to stop him.

"Don't, he needs to grasp what he's done wrong and reach out for help himself" Jinki told him and let him go.

Taemin held on to their boyfriend, knowing he might still try and leave.

"Listen to him" Taemin pleaded and Minho sighed in defeat, "Where are you staying tonight?" Taemin asked, linking Minho's hand with theirs.

"I thought about staying here, but I should probably go back home so I don't run into Kibum" Jinki answered, "I'm glad I stopped by, I had a feeling you'd blow up and then Kibum wouldn't learn anything"

"I guess you know me better than I thought" Minho replied.

"I'm going to get going, keep an eye on him while I'm gone?" Jinki suggested, tears threatening again.

"We'll make sure he stays as safe as possible" Minho replied.

"It's going to be okay hyung" Taemin told him and pulled him into a hug, "Just give Kibum time"

"Thanks Taemin" Jinki replied, returning the hug.

Soon, Jinki was out the door and driving away, but another familiar car took his spot minutes afterward.

"He called Jonghyun over" Taemin told the older, "He may be asking for help, but I'm not sure if his choice is going to really help him"

"Maybe this'll be his chance to get over him" Minho replied, "But if he ends up hurting Jinki anymore I will not stand still"

"Let's not worry about this now" Taemin turned to face Minho, intertwining their finger, "Let's go back to bed" A smirk spread across Taemin's face and they began to close the gap between them.

The kiss started out sweet, as if it was a goodnight kiss, but it became heated rather quickly when Taemin grinded on the older. A moan erupted from Minho's throat at the action, and he started leading Taemin backwards to their room. This kiss wasn't broken until Minho had laid the younger on the bed, where he began to lick and bite at their neck. Taemin moaned in approval, hips grinding up onto Minho's. At this, Minho slipped off the younger's shirt and then his own. He continued with sliding Taemin's pajama bottoms off, leaving them in their underwear. He palmed Taemin's erection as he connected their lips in a sloppy kiss. Taemin broke the kiss as their head fell back onto the bed with a moan and Minho took the opportunity to attack their neck again.

" _Oh_ , Minho, just fuck me" Taemin moaned, eyes screwed shut.

Taemin could feel Minho's breath on their ear, "As you wish" He whispered and lightly bit their ear before pulling away to slip off his own pajamas.

Taemin slipped off their underwear and reached for the lube that was previously placed on the nightstand. Taemin smiled at the moan that came from Minho when he grabbed the older's member, deciding they weren't quite done with the foreplay. Soon, the younger's mouth was around Minho's cock and bobbing at a steady pace. Minho's hand tangled in Taemin's shaggy hair as the younger started moaning around his cock.

"Taemin, if you keep going  _ oh _ , I'm going to come" Minho warned and Taemin removed him with a pop.

Minho kissed the younger sweetly as he coated some of his fingers in lube and began slipping them into Taemin's ass one by one. When Minho's fingers curled to hit Taemin's prostate, the younger broke the kiss with a loud moan and laid their head on Minho's shoulder as he kept abusing it.

"Fuck Minho-o" Taemin moaned, nails scratching at Minho's back.

Minho removed his fingers and Taemin lifted their head before letting Minho lay them down on the bed gently. Taemin could feel Minho's tip at their entrance and they groaned in annoyance.

"Stop teasing" Taemin whined a small smile on their face.

"Stop being so needy" Minho whined back, connecting their lips and slowly sliding in.

All of Taemin's moans were swallowed by Minho as he pushed all the way in. He began kissing at Taemin's neck as he waited for their approval.

"You can move" The approval came and Minho wasted no time.

It was slow at first as they watched each other, both completely entranced by how the other looked. Although soon they both wanted a faster pace. Minho sped up steadily and Taemin's moans got louder by the minute as nails raked Minho's back. A scream of pleasure slipped out of Taemin as their back arched and Minho knew exactly when he'd done.

"Minho, r-right there  _ ah _ " Taemin arched his back as Minho hit the same spot.

Taemin began to yell Minho's name as he began slamming their prostate.

"I-I'm going to come" Taemin warned and soon ribbons of white shot out along with Minho's name.

Minho came soon after with his lips connected to Taemin's.

"I love you so much" Taemin told him, taking a breath between each word.

"I love you too" Minho replied and planted light kisses all over their face as he pulled the covers over them.


	19. Just Hit Me That Much Instead

Kibum woke up and turned over to face Jinki, but he regretted it when the tears that followed reminded him what had happened that night. It's not that he didn't remember, he just hoped maybe it was all a bad dream. He knew better than that though, but that didn't stop him from hugging the pillow Jinki always used into his chest and sobbing into it. Part of him said "This is stupid, you should be glad he's gone. Now you can focus on Jonghyun" but his heart knew how he really felt about the boy. He couldn't seem to stop the tears, like everything he'd been holding in was just spilling out onto what he wished was his lover. In that moment, all that existed was Kibum and the pillow that was becoming soaked, so when Jonghyun sat down on the bed Kibum almost leaped out of his skin. Nothing was said as they looked at eachother, the only sound was Kibum's continuing sobs. It stayed like that for a while, Jonghyun watching his dongsaeng with pity and making sure it didn't go any further than this.

"I really fucked up" Kibum mumbled into the pillow, trying to steady his breathing.

"Well yes, but you need to focus on fixing it rather than what you did wrong" Jonghyun replied.

"I don't know how to fix it" Kibum told him, sitting himself up on the bed.

"Well, start with why you started drinking" Jonghyun suggested, turning himself to face the younger better.

"I can't" Kibum replied simply, "But I know why I'll stop"

"I guess that works too" Jonghyun said, "You have to prove to him that you'll stop"

"Well I'm sure you already threw anything I had left away" Kibum replied, "And me being sober right now plus that is all the proof I have right now"

"Wait, what did he say to you when he left?" Jonghyun asked.

"Not to talk to him until I'm sober" Kibum answered.

"You're sober now, maybe he just wants to talk to you about your problem" Jonghyun suggested.

"Then why did he leave?" Kibum asked, "It's not just because I was drunk Jonghyun, there's more meaning behind it than that, there always is"

"So take the thing that makes you want to drink so often out of your life" Jonghyun told him and Kibum's eyes went wide.

"I... I can't" Kibum managed, "I need it"

"Why would you need something that makes yo-"

"Because I do, you would understand if you knew what it was" Kibum told him, anger and sadness edging his voice, "Don't speak as if you know all the answers"

"If you want to continue this relationship with Jinki then you need to do something about it" Jonghyun replied, tone serious.

"I thought I was doing something about it, but I was just ruining myself" Kibum told him.

"There's always more methods, just find one that works that doesn't hurt you" Jonghyun replied, "And if you ever need help, don't forget we are all by your side"

"I will never forget that" Kibum smiled slightly, "Have you eaten yet?"

"No" Jonghyun answered.

"I'll make us some breakfast then, anything in particular you want?" Kibum asked, starting to get up.

"Let's just order something, I'll pay" Jonghyun suggested.

Kibum complied and sat back down on the bed as the older got out his phone. He didn't leave the bed that morning unless he had to go to the bathroom, he assumed it wasn't a good thing, but it wasn't bad either. He honestly didn't even want to leave his room.

"When is Chaeyeong coming back?" Kibum asked when the silence became too much.

"We're not sure, she thinks they'll let her come home when she chooses a husband" Jonghyun sighed, "I told her to just run away"

"You're still doubting her" Kibum observed.

"I'm afraid that either her parents will keep her away from me, or that she'll see all that money and change her mind" Jonghyun told him, laying down on the bed.

"Just trust her Jonghyun, the love between the two of you is the kind I want with someone one day" Kibum replied, "You two are like a picture perfect couple"

"Then why am I overwhelmed with the feeling that she's going to leave me?" Jonghyun asked himself, rubbing his face with his hands.

"Do you trust her?" Kibum asked and Jonghyun looked at him in disbelief.

"Of course I trust her" Jonghyun replied.

"If you truly trusted her with the situation, you wouldn't have that feeling" Kibum told him, "Have faith Kim Jonghyun"


	20. When I Can't Have You, I'm On Fire

It was already the afternoon, but it was probably the third time Kibum had broken down today. Jonghyun was always there to calm him down, it didn't take much for him to decide this was enough. When there was a knock on the door, Jonghyun sprang up to answer it, leaving Kibum alone on his bed.

"Who's there?" Kibum asked weakly, refusing to get up from his bed as he was comfortable wrapped up in his blanket.

No reply came, but he heard two pairs of footsteps come to his door. He stayed quiet as the door slowly pushed open, but once he saw who Jonghyun was with he thought his heart stopped.

"J-Jinki" Kibum spoke, trying not to break down again.

Jonghyun let the older in and slipped out of the room, closing the door to give the couple privacy.

It was silent for a while as Jinki looked at the younger with sad eyes, but he finally spoke.

"Are you sober?" He asked, walking towards the bed.

"Yes, and there is no remaining alcohol in the house" Kibum answered.

"That's good" Jinki replied and silence filled the room again.

"A-Are you hungry? I can make you something to eat" Kibum began, not wanting the silence to last.

"We need to talk Kibum, and prolonging it isn't going to make it fix itself" Jinki replied, "How do I know you're not going to drink anymore?"

"I don't know" Kibum answered honestly, "I have no idea how to prove to you that I'll stop, but I'm going to stop. After I hurt you the way I did, I feel so awful that I could die" He wiped away whatever tears were threatening to fall, "Please don't leave me"

Jinki felt his heart ache as he looked at the younger who was doing his best not to cry, he couldn't bear to see him this way. He sat down beside Kibum and wiped the fallen tears off of his cheeks before kissing the younger's eyes lightly.

"I'm not going to leave you" Jinki told him in a soothing tone, "You couldn't even last a day without me" Jinki teased, his arms snaked around the younger.

"Shut up" Kibum mumbled, "I can't stand it when I've been a jerk to people I care about, especially you" He rested his head on Jinki's shoulder.

"Jonghyun, you know you can just come in right?" Jinki called and the door slowly opened.

"Sorry, I was just-" Jonghyun began.

"Eavesdropping, which was unnecessary, you know we would've told you anyway" Kibum interrupted.

"How did you know though?" Jonghyun asked, bewildered.

"We know you" Jinki answered, "Now order something for everyone, I'll pay"

"Yes sir" Jonghyun mocked and got out his phone, walking out of the room.

"I missed you" Jinki admitted, "It may have been just a day, but the situation made it worse. I actually hoped you would recover quickly, I wanted you back in my arms"

"I'm so sorry for what I said, I didn't mean it" Kibum apologized.

"I know you didn't, I was just worried about you. I knew if I left you'd have a reason to stop" Jinki told him.

"I love you" Kibum mumbled and nuzzled his face into the older's neck, his hand grabbing Jinki's shirt.

"I love you too" Jinki replied and kissed any part of Kibum's head that he could reach.

They ate with Jonghyun that afternoon, and he left when everyone was done, leaving the couple alone for the night.

Worry was eating at him, he hadn't heard from Chaeyeong for a couple of days and he couldn't help but start to think this was the end. He had been told not to contact her first, her parents being very strict about their relationship. She called him when she was alone and then deleted any call logs that her parents could see. At first it was everyday, then it became every couple of days, and now he hasn't heard from her for so long he began to worry. 

"Have faith Kim Jonghyun"

Kibum's voice filled his thoughts, and he was brought back to their conversation earlier that day. He trusted her, he knew deep down he really trusted her, but then why did he feel like this?

It had been years, but the emotional scar wouldn't go away. He was with a girl once, in high school, and she cheated on him. The only reason she ever gave was because he didn't have money, she teased him about it, said they could have been so happy together if he had money. It was always about money since then, he had to get a good job so he could make money, he wanted to have money so no one ever treated him that way ever again. 

Chaeyeong had money, and people were greedy by nature, it would be natural for her to want more money. Jonghyun didn't have that, at least not to the extent of the men her parents were showing her. He knew she wasn't like that girl in high school, he knew that. But, there was still the doubt in his mind, telling him that in the end, all people are the same. That in the end, greed takes over.


	21. You Can't, You Can't, Don't Leave Like This

_ The rain made it seem like everyone was sad that day, and maybe they were. And somehow, he knew it'd rain on this day, whenever it came it would definitely rain. He used to say that all the time, because everyone would be sad when this day came. But of course, he'd also say then, because of everyone's sadness, the two would come back from the dead.  _

_ He could only wish that this was a dream, a bad dream that they'd awake him from with comforting words as he explained the horrible dream. He wouldn't let anyone else take the photos as he walked the procession, a framed photo of his dad in his right hand and his mother in his left. _

_ A car crash, of all the things to take the two most important people in his life, it was a simple car crash. His mother died first, she had died on impact, and his father must have known as soon as he saw her motionless she was gone. He could've fought to live, but Jonghyun knew his father wouldn't want to live without that wonderful woman. Jonghyun almost didn't want to either, wishing he was in the car as well. _

_ He was the one who put the photos by the two coffins, he lit the incense, he put the sheet over them. He felt this was his job and his only, that no one else was close enough and that they would want no one else to do this for them. Everyone had left the room, giving Jonghyun the alone time they knew he needed, his relatives most likely would come back the next day instead. _

_ "It hasn't been long, but I already miss you" Jonghyun began as he kneeled in front of the photos, "Is that greedy of me? You told me not to be greedy, but... How can I not be right now" _

_ He felt tears already coming and he quickly wiped them with a sniffle. _

_ "Remember the last time we were all together, we had dinner together and you two joked about who I'd marry" Jonghyun let out a weak laugh, "You told me it had to be someone with money and then laughed before telling me that neither of you really cared who it was, as long as we were both happy" _

_ Tears had fallen and Jonghyun used his sleeve to wipe them, rubbing his eyes a little. _

_ "Remember what I said as a child? That the world would be so sad that you'd both come back?" A sob wracked his body, "Why aren't you coming back?" He asked, wanting to yell it, "You shouldn't even be gone yet, th-this couldn’t have been all the time you get" _

_ He covered his eyes with his hands as he sobbed. _

_ "Please come back" He sobbed, "Please... co-ome back" His voice seemed to disappear the quieter he got, "Ple-ease" _

_ He stayed the full three days, refusing to leave whenever family invited him for dinner. None of his family had ever regularly visited, only coming when they needed something, they were nothing to him. The only real family he had, had been ripped away from him. _

_ Within that week, Jonghyun's life changed. He was on his own, working harder than he ever had in his life, just to keep the small house he had. One job was at a small local coffee shop, it was probably his favorite job he had. He worked late and not many people would show up. Although, there is one night he will never forget. _

_ It was late and a light rain had begun, and it was soon to be a thunderstorm from what Jonghyun could tell. The bell of the door rang and he sprung his head up to welcome the customer. _

_ "Hello, welcome" Jonghyun greeted and the boy lightly bowed at him. _

_ Jonghyun went back to cleaning and heard the boy mumble to himself. _

_ "Finally, somewhere warm" He sounded lost, as if he had nowhere to go. _

_ It made Jonghyun curious, so he took another look at the boy. He was hugging the jacket he had finally taken off, staring out the window, and that's when Jonghyun noticed he was missing his shoes. _

_ "Excuse me" Jonghyun began and the boy looked to him, a fear in his eyes of being told to leave, "Where are your shoes?" _

_ "I... Don't have any" The boy replied, "Please don't make me leave, I'll stay and help or something, just don't make me go out in that rain" _

_ "I don't need any help, but we're about to close soon, if you tell me where you live I'll take you home" Jonghyun told him, stacking a few cups. _

_ "That..." The boy trailed off, looking down to the ground. _

_ "Do you not have anywhere to go?" Jonghyun voiced his suspicions. _

_ "I was... Kicked out" The boy's mumbling was audible in the small empty shop. _

_ "I have room at my place if you need a temporary place to stay" Jonghyun offered, turning off any machines that were still on. _

_ "You'd take in a complete stranger?" He asked in disbelief. _

_ "You're right, I shouldn't do that. What's your name?" Jonghyun asked. _

_ "Kim Kibum" He answered, "What's yours?" _

_ "Kim Jonghyun" He told him, "Now look at that, we're not strangers anymore" _

_ Kibum scoffed and Jonghyun spoke. _

_ "Make a decision though, because you either go with me or back on the streets in about five minutes or less" Jonghyun announced, and the lights slowly began to turn off, leaving the lights from the street and Jonghyun's flashlight to light the small room. _

_ Kibum stood up and bowed to Jonghyun, "Thank you" he said and slipped his jacket back on. _

_ "You use the umbrella and I can use my jacket hood" Jonghyun said and gave Kibum the umbrella. _

_ "Thank you" Kibum repeated himself as Jonghyun led them outside. _

_ They made it to Jonghyun's house before the rain got any worse and Jonghyun quickly grabbed some dry clothes for his guest. _

_ "Here, these pajamas should fit you and you can sleep in my bed" Jonghyun told him, handing him the folded clothing. _

_ Kibum quickly changed into the pajamas as Jonghyun made them some ramen for dinner. _

_ "Thank you" Seemed to be the only phrase Kibum could mutter out anymore as Jonghyun handed him his cup of ramen. _

_ There seemed to be a fear hidden behind the phrase, as if he knew that he wouldn't be here long. _

_ "Why were you kicked out?" Jonghyun asked, slipping some noodles into his mouth. _

_ "If I tell you, you have to promise not to kick me out as well" Kibum replied nervously. _

_ "I promise I won't kick you out" Jonghyun told him, stirring his noodles around in the cup. _

_ Kibum took in a deep breath before speaking, as if getting ready to at least get yelled at. _

_ "I'm... I'm gay" Kibum let out the breath and looked down at his noodles. _

_ "Alright" Was all Jonghyun said. _

_ "You... Don't care?" Kibum asked, confused. _

_ "No, why would I?" Jonghyun answered, and slipped noodles into his mouth. _

_ "My p-parents said it was wrong, that I was wrong, that I w-would hu-urt whoever I to-old that..." Kibum started, but the tears that started to fall from his eyes stopped him. _

_ "It's not wrong, it's you. I was told all my life to accept everyone and anyone, and to help whoever I could" Jonghyun told him, a hand rubbing the younger's back, "Anyone who disrespects you aren't important in your life" _

_ "Thank you" Kibum managed, wiping the tears that had escaped him, "I wish I had parents like yours" _

_ "Yeah, I wish I still had them" Jonghyun replied, picking at his food. _

_ "I'm sorry, I didn't know" Kibum began, "I didn't mean to make you feel bad" _

_ "It's fine, I haven't talked about it since it happened" Jonghyun replied, "I've had no one to talk about it with" _

_ "You have me now" Kibum told him, "If you want to talk that is, you don't have to" _

_ "It wasn't that long ago, almost a week ago now, they both got into a car wreck" Jonghyun revealed, a sad smile on his face. _

_ "At least they're together, and you had a good relationship with them, you don't have anything to regret" Kibum replied. _

_ They stuck together, making money and saving up money with multiple jobs. It wasn't until two years later that they could drop some jobs, working at only a store and a coffee shop now. That's when they met Minho, he had gotten a job at the store and the two of them had to train him. Minho and his mother moved in with Jonghyun and with their help Minho was able to afford an apartment for the two of them. _

_ Minho's mother became a mother to all three of them, the three would always go to Minho's for dinner from her. But of course, good things don't last forever. _

_ It was getting late in the morning and Minho still hadn't shown up to work. Kibum couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong, and Jonghyun talked their boss into letting them get off early with a promise of overtime. The two almost ran to Minho's apartment, worry and fear in their minds as every call to Minho failed. Instead of knocking and waiting to be let in, Jonghyun used his spare key and flung the door open. _

_ "Minho?!" Worried voices rang through the apartment. _

_ When they saw the master bedroom's door cracked open they quietly went to open the door. Jonghyun pushed the door open slowly and revealed Minho sitting in a chair beside his mother's double bed. _

_ "Minho?" Kibum spoke softly and pushed past Jonghyun to get a better look at Mrs. Choi. _

_ "I never leave in the morning until she wakes up" Minho replied, voice quiet as well, eyes locked on his mother. _

_ She had been sick and they only had the money to get medicine that could help, but nothing the doctor highly suggested. Because of this, they were told to give her the medicine as directed and let her rest, but to keep an eye on her. _

_ Kibum quietly made his way over to Minho, sitting on the cold floor beside his chair. Although Jonghyun was frozen in the doorway, not sure how to comfort Minho, and not sure if he could handle the truth either. _

_ Kibum, on the other hand, seemed to know exactly what to do. He took Minho's hand in his and rubbed it with his thumb gently, a silent message that it'll be okay. _

_ "Why won't she wake up?" Minho asked, his voice wavering as he spoke, leading to tears falling from his now closed eyes. _

_ "Shh" Kibum replied, his other hand reaching up to rub the younger's back, "It's going to be okay" _

_ It didn't take long for Minho to break into sobs, his body shaking under Kibum's calming touch. That's when Jonghyun regained movement in his limbs as he walked over to her bed and gently pulled the sheet over her head. He sat on Minho's other side, hearing how Kibum's voice would falter as he attempted to calm the younger's sobbing. Jonghyun didn't try to stop his own tears from falling, his head leaning on Minho's knee as the three just cried in the dim room.  _


	22. Then Wipe Away Your Red Hands

_ Working the register had to be Kibum's least favorite job, he kept his head down and only looked at his customers if he absolutely had too. Jonghyun was working the register in front of him and Minho was walking around helping customers. None of them could wait until the day was over as they had the next few days off, and today seemed to drag by. _

_ Kibum started to ring a couple up and familiar voices mumbled to each other in front of him. He became shaky, but he didn't stop, scanning each item until they were all bagged. _

_ "You bastard" Kibum's father spat and Kibum looked up, "Are you happy with yourself?" _

_ "Excuse me?" Kibum asked timidly, confusion on his face. _

_ "You left home and never called us" He replied, "But here you are, normal and happy while we've been worried you were still..." He paused before finishing, looking as if the last word pained him to say, "Gay" _

_ "I am" Kibum told him, fear behind the faux confidence in his voice, ignoring his false accusation of him running away. _

_ "You are what?" He challenged. _

_ "I am still gay" Kibum answered, keeping eye contact. _

_ His mother muttered an "Oh God" when she heard him, and grabbed her chest as if it physically hurt her. _

_ "Oh, you really want me to die don't you?" She asked and Jonghyun turned around from the next aisle. _

_ "No ma'am" Kibum replied, eyes looking down at the scanner. _

_ "Then come back home and be normal" His mother pleaded and Kibum took in a breath. _

_ "I can't" Kibum replied, "I can't be normal" _

_ "This bastard, how can you treat your mother like that?!" His father was close to yelling and Kibum was scared. _

_ Jonghyun alerted Minho to come to Kibum's aisle and he slowly made his way there as well. _

_ "Ya! Look her in the eyes, look what you've done to her!" He yelled, and when Kibum refused to look up his hand forced him. _

_ That's when Kibum saw Jonghyun and he began to panic. What if he got hurt? What if he got fired? He then looked at his mother, she was crying as if her son was fatally ill. _

_ "Excuse me, ma'am, sir, what's going on here?" Jonghyun's voice came into earshot and Kibum's father let go of his face. _

_ "Personal business, now go back to your station" Kibum's father replied, but Jonghyun didn't move. _

_ "I'm sure whatever is going on can be peacefully resolved and no one will have to put their hands on one another" Jonghyun said and let out a sigh of relief when he saw Minho walking up, "Just civil conversation" _

_ "It was just talking until this bastard made his mother cry" Kibum was pulled over the counter by his shirt and both him and Jonghyun were overcome with fear. _

_ "Sir, please let go of him, this is not permitted in this store" Jonghyun's voice was frantic as Minho was almost running over to them. _

_ "Is this why you can't be normal, is this your little boyfriend or something?" He then spat in Kibum's face and he flinched. _

_ "Sir, I am just a coworker of his, now let him go" Jonghyun told him. _

_ "Sir, I am going to have to ask you to let go of him and leave" Minho said sternly and Kibum looked as if he was going to cry. _

_ "Oh, so you like your boys masculine Kibummie? Is that what he calls you?" He asked angrily, eyes on Jonghyun. _

_ "Minho, Jonghyun, just leave. I don't want you two to get fired because of me" Kibum finally spoke. _

_ "Or, you could just leave with us and kiss your boyfriend goodbye" He offered and nodded his head towards Jonghyun. _

_ "It's either you leave forcefully or peacefully, but Kibum is staying here" Minho's voice was stern, but it didn't phase the man. _

_ "This is my son-" _

_ "And he's twenty-two and can make his own decisions" Minho interrupted. _

_ "You think you can talk back to me? What makes you so high and mighty? Are you... Actually Kibum's boyfriend?" He asked and waited patiently for a response. _

_ "Yes" Minho answered and Kibum's eyes widened in fear. _

_ His father threw Kibum back, knocking him to the floor and Minho rushed to the counter. Kibum's father wrapped his arm around his wife and began to walk out. _

_ "Useless faggots" He muttered and spat on the floor. _

_ The throw knocked the wind out of Kibum and he was unresponsive as he regained his breath. _

_ Minho helped him up as Jonghyun came back from making sure the couple had left. _

_ "Are you alright?" Jonghyun asked. _

_ "I... I thought he was going to hurt one of you, why did you say that!?" Kibum asked, his voice a mixture of confusion and anger. _

_ "I knew if I said yes he'd let go of you" Minho answered. _

_ "He could've gone after you though" Kibum told him. _

_ "I could've handled him" Minho replied, "It's over now, so don't worry about it" _

_ "So wait, are you two...?" Jonghyun began. _

_ "No" They both answered in unison and Jonghyun gave them a questioning look. _

_ "I just said that to save his ass" Minho told him, "Why didn't you say anything, that isn't like you" _

_ "I didn't want to say the wrong thing and get one of you hurt" Kibum answered. _

_ The store gave them each a strike for not just calling security instead and Minho was furious at that. He didn't believe it was right for them to get in trouble for a fight the customer started. Minho walked out on the job that day and began working elsewhere while Jonghyun and Kibum stayed. _

_ The situation strengthened Kibum and Minho's relationship and left Jonghyun questioning Minho's sexuality. _


	23. Whisper In My Ear Once Again

Everyone was gathered at Jonghyun's house after receiving a text that Chaeyeong was coming home soon and he wanted to surprise her with a welcome home party. Everything was set up but everyone was afraid of what would happen when she returned. Everyone knew that her parents would only let her return home if she had chosen a husband. Just the thought of her coming home with someone else was unsettling for everyone.

They had only just learned that Jonghyun had no contact with her for weeks until she announced she was coming home, but they still set up the welcome party for him. She had told him she would come right over as soon as she got out of the airport, so now they waited. Jonghyun lived near the airport, so when she texted saying she was leaving the airport everyone became silent.

The waiting seemed torturous, but then there was a knock and no one was able to move. Everyone knew it was Chaeyeong, but everyone was afraid of what was going to happen when that door opened. Would she have some other man on her arm? Would she kindly break up with Jonghyun and then leave to meet the other man? Or would everything be fine? She knocked a second time and Jonghyun found his strength, standing up and heading for the door with all eyes on him in the dim room. He opened the door and was met with Chaeyeong's smile, and God had he missed that smile.

"Chaeyeong" Jonghyun said and brought her in for a hug, leaving all the worrying thought behind, "I've missed you so much"

"I've missed you too" She replied, letting go of her suitcase handle to have return the hug, her bag still in her other hand.

Jonghyun broke the hug, the thoughts coming back to him as he became awkward.

"Uh, you still have your bags, why didn't you let your parents take it back with them?" Jonghyun asked, rubbing the back of his neck.

"I have something to tell you" She started, placing her handheld bag gently on the stationary suitcase.

"Are we...?" Jonghyun trailed off, afraid of just the question but more afraid of the answer.

"No, it's not that, it's just well..." Chaeyeong started again, "I ran away from home, to put it simply"

"You ran away?" Jonghyun was shocked, what would her parents do when they found out?!

"I shouldn't still be living with them anyway, I should be on my own and work for a living rather than sit around until I get married" She replied, "So, I left, and I'm going to need a place to stay so I was hoping..." She smiled at him cutely, like a child trying to sweeten up their parents before asking for something.

"Of course you can stay here" Jonghyun replied, grabbing her bags for her, "Come on in, it's cold out there"

Chaeyeong followed him into the house and when the lights turned on, Jinki, Kibum, Minho, and Taemin got up from Jonghyun's couch and on a countdown shouted "Welcome home Chaeyeong!". Taemin and Jinki each popped a party popper as she went to hug each of them, starting with Minho.

Everyone was thankful it was a happy reunion, no one would have really known how to comfort Jonghyun if their fears were true. Part of Kibum wanted to tell Jonghyun how right he was, but part of him wanted to stay away from him.

He had been without alcohol for a while, apologizing to Jinki every night they're together about what had happened. Kibum was just happy that the older boy did not get annoyed by it, he always listens to the same apology and always accepts it without a second thought. Although, that's what hurts Kibum's heart the most, Jinki's pure love for him.

Jinki really loves Kibum, to the point that Kibum would cry some nights when Jinki held him after accepting the same apology. It hurts because Kibum knows that Jinki doesn't have his heart, and the thought of him finding that out breaks Kibum's heart further.

_ Jinki deserves better than this, Jinki deserves someone who loves him more than he loves them _ . Kibum's thoughts are always this way, but he knows breaking up would only give Jinki more heartbreak than he deserves. So he distances himself from Jonghyun, a little more each day although it doesn't seem like it.

That's why he keeps apologizing, he's apologizing for his feelings, and he won't stop until he has stopped loving Jonghyun.

They had spent the day with Chaeyeong and Jonghyun, and now Kibum and Jinki were getting ready for bed. Kibum was already in bed, facing the window as he waited for Jinki to slip into bed behind him.

Jinki smiled at Kibum's still figure, knowing he probably hadn't even closed his eyes yet as he slipped into the bed facing Kibum. As Jinki pulled the covers over himself, Kibum spoke up.

"Jinki?" Kibum asked and Jinki knew what was coming.

"Yes?" Jinki replied, snaking his arms around Kibum.

"That night when I was drunk and yelled, you know I didn't mean it right?" Kibum asked and Jinki snuggled into his neck.

"I know sweetheart" Jinki replied.

"I'm so sorry I worried you like that though, and yelling at you like that" Kibum told him and Jinki hummed.

"I know you're sorry, and I forgive you" Jinki replied and placed a kiss on the back of Kibum's neck, "But, why do you keep apologizing?"

"Because no matter how much you forgive me, I can't forgive myself"  _ And because I hate how I don't love you,  _ Kibum gave Jinki the half-truth, his hands holding onto Jinki's as if he would disappear.

"You're always so hard on yourself baby" Jinki pulled Kibum closer.

Kibum let out a light chuckle, "You like to give me little pet names when you're tired" Kibum smiled and he felt Jinki smile into his neck.

"If you like them that much then I should start using them more often honey~" Kibum giggled at him.

"You're so cute when you're sleepy" Kibum told him.

"You're always cute darling" Jinki replied, a yawn following.

"I love you" Kibum said before yawning himself.

"I love you too" Jinki replied, burying his face back into Kibum's neck.


	24. Because Of You

Kibum didn't talk as much at work anymore, and he did his best to stay away from Jonghyun in the short time he had to spend there. They had little conversations on their lunch break and short conversations through text as well, but it was working, Kibum was forgetting. He honestly hadn't thought it possible, and he was proud of himself.

Until he began to feel the guilt, noticing Jonghyun's gloomy state at work and how long it would take him to respond to Kibum's short texts. One day, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he stayed home from work, locking himself in his room while Jinki was at work.

**Jonghyun: Are you sick?**

Kibum hesitated to reply as he felt his heart jump like a school girl's would when her crush messages her. He decided against answering it, pushing his face into the pillow under his head as the phone vibrated again.

**Jonghyun: If you don't reply soon I'm going to call you**

He wanted to reply, to tell him he wasn't feeling well, but he was so afraid it would turn into a conversation where Kibum would find himself drooling over Jonghyun again. It took five minutes before Kibum's phone was ringing, he had turned on his ringtones just to hear the cheesy love song that he had set. Kibum let it ring until his phone finally said he had missed a call. Jonghyun called a couple more times, causing Kibum to sing along softly to the song, waiting for Jonghyun to give up. After, from what Kibum counted, ten calls Jonghyun had given up and left a voicemail.

After a few minutes of debating, Kibum listened to the voicemail.

"Kibum, are you alright? I texted Jinki about it and he said he thought you had gone to work. You better not be drinking, if I find out that's what you're doing I'll..." Jonghyun paused and Kibum chuckled, he sighed before continuing, "I'm just worried about you, please text me back at least. Your read receipts are on"

Kibum sighed, setting his phone down on the neighboring pillow, only picking it back up when his text tone went off.

**Jonghyun: I'm going to get Taemin to check up on you**

Another text tone made Kibum groan.

**Jinki: Do I need to come home? Jonghyun is talking as if something is really wrong and I'm worried**

Kibum started to text back, but he decided against it, not wanting Jonghyun to get mad at him. Kibum could hear the ring of the door bell, but he didn't have the will to answer it. He knew if they really wanted in that they would find the spare key, every one of his friends knew where it was. After another ring let out, Kibum heard the door being unlocked, disrupting his calming silence as the door opened and footsteps came to his door. The doorknob rattled and there was a sigh of frustration.

"Kibum, please open the door" Taemin called and Kibum rolled over.

"I'm fine, go back home" Kibum replied.

"Then why didn't you tell Jonghyun that?" Taemin asked and Kibum groaned.

There was a slight silence as Taemin reached for the key taped on the top of the door frame. Kibum cursed under his breath as Taemin unlocked his door and let themself in.

"Good, you're not drinking" Taemin said more to themself as they sat down on the bed facing Kibum, "So, are you sick or is something wrong?"

"It's nothing I can't handle" Kibum answered as Taemin felt his forehead.

"That's not what Jonghyun thinks, he's been asking everyone what he did to make you mad at him" Taemin told the older.

"He thinks I'm mad at him?" Kibum asked, feeling guilty.

Taemin nodded, "That's what most people think when they're being ignored, hyung"

Kibum's phone went off and he quickly reached for it.

**Jinki: I'm on my way back, I'm picking up Jonghyun and Minho on the way**

Kibum groaned, "Now everyone is coming" He rubbed his face with his hands.

"Then you better tell me what's wrong before they arrive" Taemin told him and he nodded.

"I'm... Finally forgetting Jonghyun, but I have to ignore him in order to forget him. I didn't go to work today because I couldn't stand the guilt" Kibum explained, "And now everyone is coming to check up on me but I can't tell them that I still love Jonghyun"

"I thought you were forgetting him" Taemin was confused and Kibum sighed.

"I was, until he started texting me and calling me when I didn't come to work. It was just enough to spark up hope again" Kibum told them and Taemin rubbed his back.

"I know it's hard hyung, but one day you'll be able to forget him and then you and Jinki may be able to live happily or maybe you'll find someone else" Taemin tried to calm him down.

"I just want to be held" Kibum mumbled and wiped under his eyes.

"Jinki will be here soon" Taemin continued to rub his back and they sat in silence, the only sound being Kibum's unsteady breathing while he cried.

When the doorbell rang, part of Kibum didn't want Taemin to open it, but the other part wanted to go out there and hug someone, anyone, and not let go as he cried into their shoulder. Taemin answered it as Kibum laid in bed patiently. Jinki was the first one in the room and Kibum wiped his eyes quickly. The younger was brought into his boyfriend's embrace quickly and Kibum couldn't help but start crying again.

"Shh, it's okay, everything is alright" Jinki shushed him, petting his hair as Jonghyun entered the room.

"Is he alright?" Jonghyun asked, sitting down on the bed.

"There's no alcohol smell" Jinki answered simply.

"He hasn't been drinking" Taemin spoke from the doorway, "Just steadily crying"

"But why? Would he talk to you?" Jonghyun asked and Kibum's eyes shot open and met Taemin's.

There was a plea in his eyes, for them to say no, for them to keep it a secret, and Taemin complied.

"No, he didn't want to talk about it. I would just let him cry it out" Taemin answered and Minho leaned over and whispered in their ear to which they nodded.

Jinki broke the embrace and looked Kibum in the eye, wiping the tears off of his cheeks even if more were bound to fall.

"Kibum, you need to talk to us more. If you had told me that you were at least depressed I would've stayed home from work with you. You don't have to tell me what's wrong, just let me know when you need me to be there for you" Jinki told him, brushing away his tears whenever they started to paint his cheek again.

Kibum could only nod, words seeming lost to him.

"We all care about you Kibum, we hate seeing you like this" Jonghyun spoke up and a sob wracked Kibum's body.

"I-I know, I just di-idn't want to break down like thi-is in front of you g-guys" Kibum stumbled over his words as he took in deep breaths to calm down.

"You know we won't think any less of you and we're always here for you" Jonghyun said and Kibum nodded.

"I know, I j-just feel li-ike a bur-den" Kibum managed, sniffling as Jinki handed him a tissue.

"You're never a burden sweetheart" Jinki replied, using tissues to carefully wipe away the tears, "You are my amazing Kibum, and whatever is bothering you hopefully won't last long because you'll be able to handle it"

Kibum smiled as a few more tears fell and Jonghyun spoke.

"You are probably one of the toughest people I know when it comes to emotions" Jonghyun added and Kibum shook his head.

"I cry the most out of all of you" Kibum said, a small smile on his face.

"That doesn't mean you don't have a strong will to get past whatever is bothering you" Jinki replied, smoothing out Kibum's hair, "It's one of the things I admire about you"

Jonghyun smiled at the couple, Jinki really knew how to calm Kibum down as the younger lightly kissed his boyfriend.

Minho and Taemin returned to the room, bringing hot tea for everyone as the older three realized they had disappeared during their conversation.

"I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused, I just thought I could get over this alone and if I ignored you all then I'd be left alone" Kibum apologized, "I should've known you guys would do this" Kibum chuckled and everyone smiled.

"We all look after each other, the same thing would have happened if it were me" Minho replied and the others agreed.

"Thank you all for taking care of me" Kibum said and bowed his head.

"That's what we're here for" Minho told him and patted his back lightly.


	25. Sighs Have Pressed Down On Me

Everyone made sure that Kibum was always with someone. Jinki in the morning as he got ready for work, Jonghyun on the way to work, Minho would pick him up after work, and he waited for Jinki to get back at Minho's. He appreciated the concern, but it didn't change how he felt. Whenever he was without Jinki, Jonghyun was on his mind. It made him feel guilty, like he had cheated on Jinki. This resulted in many talks with Taemin, they always seemed to put him in a better mood.

On Wednesdays, Kibum would have to spend the night at Minho's since Jinki worked the late shift on those days. Then Jinki would pick him up from Minho's around three in the morning, unaware of what Kibum had done hours before.

It started as him sneaking one beer from Minho's fridge, until Minho noticed an empty can in the bathroom trash. He was angry at first, snapping at Kibum who then snapped back, creating an argument that caught Taemin's attention. Both of them stopped when Taemin entered the room, they had fallen apart at the look of fear on Taemin's face.

They came to a conclusion though, Kibum was only allowed to drink under Minho's supervision and away from Taemin, which was Kibum's request. When Minho realized Kibum was relapsing, he denied him alcohol. It didn't stop Kibum, he began to buy beer at work and would manage to down one before Minho arrived. The first three times he was yelled at, the fourth time Minho just scowled and drove them home. Minho chose to just listen to Kibum's drunken sprawl and make sure he was sober before Jinki got home.

"I just don't fucking care anymore" Kibum slurred, "I don't love Jinki, I love Jonghyun and I should just tell him"

"Like you should've done in the first place" Minho mumbled irritated.

"I didn't even know if Jinki was going to go for me, I just got lucky. Maybe I'll get lucky with Jonghyun too" The older continued.

"What and just leave Jinki all of a sudden?" Minho asked.

"I don't love him, I should've already left him" Kibum replied and got out his phone, "I'm calling Jonghyun"

Minho snatched the phone out of his hand, "You're not going to say anything to either of them drunk, remember what happened last time?"

"I'm older than you, I can do what I want" Kibum got up and started for the door.

Minho grabbed his wrist, "Kibum, if you go out there Taemin will see you and you'll fuck something up. If you leave this room now you will regret it one way or another" He warned, his grip tight.

Kibum pulled his wrist free and stood still for a moment before kneeling on the ground in front of the door and pressing the top of his head to it, crying. He didn't try to muffle his sobs, he just didn't care enough anymore. Then, his phone began to vibrate in Minho's hand.

"It's Jinki" Minho told him.

"Don't answer it" Kibum replied between sobs.

"Hello?" Minho ignored the older's request.

"Minho? Isn't Kibum there?" Jinki asked, concerned.

"He's drunk. You need to come get him" Minho told him, "He relapsed and he's been doing this every week for a long time now"

"I'm on my way" Jinki told him and hung up.

Kibum turned himself around to face Minho but still leaned his back on the door, "Why?"

"Because, this needs to stop. I can't watch you destroy yourself like this again, and he's one of the only ones who can stop you" Minho answered.

Kibum just continued to sob, going through his mind on how to control what he says when Jinki arrives.

There's a frantic knock on Minho's bedroom door, Kibum stands up and wipes what tears may still be there before opening the door. He smiles at Jinki who looks at him afraid that something may be seriously wrong.

"Hello hyung!" Kibum greeted cheerfully, trying his best not to cry again.

"Kibum, are you alright?" Jinki asked and grabbed Kibum's hands gently, "Answer me truthfully please"

Kibum looked at him surprised and started to tear up again. He pulled Jinki into a hug, hiding his face in the crook of his neck as the first tear escaped.

"Just take me home please" He mumbled as Jinki hugs back.

"I will, come on" Jinki answered and led him to the door.

Minho sighed at the couple, walking out of his room as well. He closes the door behind the two and arms snake around his waist.

"What was all that about?" Taemin's voice met his ear.

"Kibum's getting bad again, so Jinki came and got him" Minho explained and placed his hands on Taemin's.

It was Taemin's turn to sigh, "I hope he's okay" 

"Now that he's with Jinki I'm sure some sense will be knocked into him" Minho replied.

"You should check in on them in the morning" Taemin suggested.

"Trust me, I will" Minho told them.


	26. As Your Back Faces Away And Grows Smaller

The couple made it to Kibum's apartment and Kibum hadn't stopped crying. The couple ended up curled up on Kibum's couch as Jinki tried to console him.

"Kibum, if you don't tell me then you'll never get better" Jinki told him and Kibum sniffed.

"I can't do that to you" Kibum mumbled, "It's unfair, it's not right"

"Shh, just tell me, everything will be alright" Jinki replied, petting Kibum's hair.

"I don't want to hurt you Jinki, you don't deserve that" Kibum insisted.

"You don't deserve to go through pain either, we don't always get what we want" Jinki told him.

"I love you, Jonghyun" Kibum breathed and Jinki turned to look him in the eye.

"J-Jong... hyun?" Jinki asked, his words lost as Kibum looked at him blankly.

Kibum's eyes began to widen as he slowly processed the situation, "I-I..." He tried to speak, but Jinki's face brought his tears back.

They both sat up, Jinki not speaking and Kibum letting a few tears fall. Then Jinki stood and Kibum's breath hitched.

"Jinki" Kibum's voice made him stop, "Please don't go"

Jinki looked back at him, "What am I to you, Kibum?"

That's when Kibum's heart shattered, because it wasn't filled with venom, but rather despair and hurt.

"My everything" Kibum answered but Jinki just scoffed.

"Then how come you still love him" Jinki asked, his voice pained but never angry.

Kibum couldn't answer as more tears fell.

"Do you even love me?" Jinki asked, sounding scared of the answer.

"Y-Yes... Yes of co-urse I do" Kibum answered, but Jinki just looked down.

"Then why are you doing this to yourself if you love me?" Jinki asked and began walking again, the only sound in the apartment being his footsteps and Kibum's occasional sniffle.

The front door opened and closed and then locked. Kibum waited to hopefully hear it unlock, for Jinki to change his mind and come back, but he knew it was over. And then it settled in, Jinki wasn't coming back, Jinki would never be back. And then the crying restarted and Kibum laid down on his couch and curled into the back. Sob after sob ran through his body, slowly getting more violent and louder. The pieces of his shattered heart had come back, and now they were stabbing him, cutting him, giving him what he believed he truly deserved.

It went on for what felt like hours to Kibum, but he never did look at the time. He felt horrible, but there were no more tears to express it. Then he found the extra beers in the fridge, and now he had a new reason to drink. The empty bottles soon filled his sink, not even his drunken self understanding why he believed that was a good place to keep them. His idea that more liquid in his body would mean more tears to cry became wrong as he sat on the floor motionless.

Finally, he had decided enough was enough, and hauled himself to his bedroom. Placing his phone on his nightstand he fell asleep with hopes he would forget the events of that night in the morning.


	27. Is This The Losing Hand That Time Has Placed?

That morning Kibum woke up alone to the sound of his phone text tone. He rubbed his eyes trying to remember the night before and picked up his phone.

**Minho: What happened last night?**

**Minho: Jinki's being vague and I'm worried**

**Minho: You didn't say anything right?**

**Minho: Please don't tell me you slipped up and hurt Jinki**

**Kibum: I don't remember what happened, Jinki was with me last night? When I was drunk?**

**Minho: He called wanting to know where you were and I told him to come pick you up**

**Kibum: Minho I fucked up**

**Kibum: I said Jonghyun's name, I remember now**

**Kibum: I said the wrong name and he looked at me so hurt, like I had just shot him**

**Kibum: God dammit why did you tell him to come get me??**

**Minho: I was doing what was best, I didn't know you were going to let him know you love Jonghyun**

**Kibum: He left after that, I fucked up so bad**

**Minho: Yes you did, I'm going to see if he's okay. Don't come after him, I don't think he'll be happy to see you**

**Kibum: I'm going to tell Jonghyun**

He ignored the protest texts that came afterward and instead grabbed his coat and started out the door. He knew he looked like a mess, and he knew that if he didn’t hurry Minho might try to stop him, but at this point nothing mattered more than finally telling Jonghyun how he felt. Kibum felt he had ruined too many things by keeping this in for so long, so today he was determined to do something about it.

Kibum knocked on Jonghyun's door and waited patiently for him to answer. The older smiled when he opened the door, but this time Kibum couldn't smile back.

"Hey Kibum, what's up?" Jonghyun asked.

"Jonghyun, I have something to tell you" He answered seriously.

"What is it?" Jonghyun asked, understanding the seriousness.

"I made a mistake all those months ago with not telling you this when I should've, and I'm having to pay for that now, but I don't want to make the same mistake again so that's why I'm here now" Kibum started.

“You’re scaring me with that talk” Jonghyun told him but Kibum ignored him.

"Kim Jonghyun I am so in love with you it hurts, I've loved you for a long time now. The day of you and Chaeyeong's one year anniversary I was going to tell you to get it off my chest, but I didn't and instead I tried to forget you. I started dating Jinki to forget you, but now Jinki's been hurt by my foolishness and he should never forgive me for what I've done" Kibum blurted out, and he drank in the lack of shock on Jonghyun’s face.

"I wish I could return the feelings Kibum, but I don't like you that way and I have Chaeyeong who I love and plan to marry" Jonghyun replied, sympathy where Kibum thought shock should be.

"I know, that's why this is also a goodbye. I don't want you to pity me and I don’t want to make the same mistakes again, so I'm getting out of your life. I'm sure I'll be able to find someone else, or maybe I can start over with Jinki. Either way, I'm going to forget about you starting today" Kibum told him, "Goodbye, Kim Jonghyun" Kibum spoke before Jonghyun could get a word in.

“Kibum…” Jonghyun said as the younger turned around, trying to forget the pain in Jonghyun’s face.

Then the tears started to fall, and Kibum didn't care enough to wipe them away. He was going to be happy without him, because all he brought was pain. He was going to be happy for once, and he was going to make sure of it. He wasn't going to make himself or anyone else suffer anymore.

Kibum hadn’t taken but a few steps before someone grabbed his arm and turned him around. His scared eyes met Minho’s and they stayed still for a second, no one talking or moving, as if time froze.

“What did you do?” Minho asked him, scared of the answer although Kibum was sure he had heard it all.

“I…” Kibum took a deep breath to collect himself, “I let him go”

“You two have known each other for so long, and you’re going to let  _ this  _ ruin all of that?” Minho asked and Kibum took his arm back.

“What am I supposed to do? Keep hurting the people who care about me because I can’t get over him?!” Kibum wanted to yell, but they were still too close to Jonghyun’s house.

“There are many other ways you can get over him, it doesn’t have to be this painful for both of you” Minho tried to reason with him.

“But it does, doesn’t it? No matter what I do I see only him and I’ve hurt one of the people I care about” Kibum replied, tears coming back to him.

“Kibum, I know it’s painful, but you can get through this, with all of us by your side” Minho tried to calm him.

“I’ve been trying to get past this for  _ months  _ Minho, and now I’ve  _ lost  _ Jinki because of it” Just hearing himself say it made Kibum tear up, “What else can I do?”

Minho watched as Kibum lowered himself to the ground, crouching down as he cried harder. Minho crouched down beside him and rubbed his back softly, letting him cry and let out all of his emotions. That’s when his phone vibrated and Minho knew it was from Taemin.

**Taemin: Jinki knew about it this whole time, he was hoping he could change him**

**Taemin: He’s just crying now, I feel so bad for him**

**Minho: He knew about Kibum’s feelings for Jonghyun?**

**Taemin: Yeah, ever since he noticed Kibum drinking around midnight. He overheard a phone call one night**

**Taemin: How is Kibum?**

**Minho: He’s crying as well**

**Minho: He just cut Jonghyun out of his life, confessed to him and then told him goodbye**

**Taemin: This is a mess, don’t tell Kibum that Jinki knew**

**Minho: I won’t, let me know if anything else happens**

**Taemin: I will, I love you**

**Minho: I love you too**

“I… I love Jinki so much” Kibum spoke softly, “H-He left thinking I di-idn’t love him. I have to fix it” Kibum began to get up at that statement.

Minho rose with him but grabbed his arm to stop him for a moment.

“Are you sure this time? That you love Jinki?” Minho asked, his tone serious.

Kibum averted his gaze from Minho, giving the question some thought. He looked up at the younger slowly and their eyes met before he spoke.

“I love him more than anything” Kibum answered seriously, and Minho let go of his arm. 

“I'm coming with you” Minho announced as he followed Kibum to the apartments.

“Why?” Kibum asked as they approached his car.

“I want to be there for you in case anything happens” Minho answered and Kibum unlocked his car.

“Get in” Kibum ordered and Minho complied

“Are you just going to show up without warning?” Minho asked once they were in the car.

“He may protest otherwise, but I need to properly apologize to him” Kibum answered, his sad mood seemingly gone, replaced with a sense of seriousness and pain.

“Taemin is with him right now, I’m going to let them know we’re coming” Minho announced and got out his phone.

“Don’t, they may tell Jinki” Kibum told him, “I need to do this, and I don’t need anyone trying to stop me”

Minho sighed and nodded, slipping his phone back in his pocket as Kibum began to drive.


	28. Can't I See You Next To Me Ever Again?

Kibum and Minho went up to the door together, but Minho was the one who knocked. They didn't wait long, and it was Taemin who opened the door with slight shock on their face.

“Minho” They began and then spotted Kibum, “What are you two doing here?”

“I want to apologize to Jinki” Kibum answered and Taemin looked unsure.

“I don't know if that's the best idea right now” Taemin said and looked behind them at Jinki’s couch.

“It may not be, but I'm not going to let that stop me” Kibum replied and Taemin nodded, moving to let the two in.

Kibum’s eyes found Jinki quickly, feeling tears threaten as he looked at the older, wrapped in a blanket on his couch. Jinki turned his head slightly, seeing Kibum in the corner of his eye he closed his eyes and took in a breath.

“Hello” Jinki sighed and kept his gaze on the ground in front of him.

“Jinki” It was all Kibum could manage to say as he became frozen in his spot.

“Why did you come? Why did you give me hope?” Jinki asked, “If you couldn't love me, why did you try?”

“I didn't have to try, I do love you” Kibum answered and Jinki scoffed.

“Do you?” Jinki sounded amused, but there was still pain in his voice, “Is this what you're doing right now? Performing an act of love?”

“You tell me, I came here to apologize” Kibum told him and Jinki nodded.

“Then do it and leave” Jinki replied sternly.

Kibum came up to him and dropped down to his knees, keeping his head down as Jinki watched him.

“I know what I did is unforgivable, but I don't want you to continue being burdened by it” Kibum began, “It is true I did love Jonghyun while I was with you, but that does not mean I didn't love you. I still love you, with every part of my being, but I hurt you so I don't deserve you” Kibum bowed to Jinki and his eyes widened, “Lee Jinki, please don't suffer because of me, please forget about my foolish act and live happily without me”

There was a long silence as Jinki began to tear up, but quickly wiped the tears away.

“You're just going to leave?!” Jinki asked, but Kibum didn't dare raise his head.

“I've become a burden to you, you would be happier without me” Kibum replied.

It was quiet then, Jinki not knowing how to respond and Kibum waiting for him to accept his apology.

“Okay…” Jinki’s voice was close to a whisper, “If you're going to leave, then go” 

Kibum sat up then, taking a deep breath as he stood up, his eyes avoiding Jinki. He turned around, facing Minho and Taemin who had watched it all happen. Kibum walked out of the house, and tensed when he heard footsteps following him.

“Kibum” Minho spoke and he turned around, “What are you trying to do? I thought you wanted him back!”

“I do, but I don't deserve him Minho. The way I hurt him, he should just never talk to me again and be happy” Kibum answered, “You and Taemin should probably keep your distance, I don't want anyone else to get hurt by me”

Kibum opened his car door, and Minho took the opportunity to get into the passenger seat.

“Don't you want to stay here with Taemin?” Kibum asked and Minho began to take note of the lack of emotion in Kibum’s voice.

“I promised myself I'd look after you, I'm not going to stop now” Minho announced as Kibum got into his car.

“You would save yourself a lot of pain if you did” Kibum replied and started the car.

“The way you're talking is scaring me Kibum” Minho told him as they buckled.

Kibum was quiet as he began to drive, but Minho wasn't going to give up.

“What are you planning?” Minho asked, fear in his voice.

“Do you want me to take you home, or do you have work today?” Kibum asked calmly.

“Kibum” Minho started sternly.

“If you don’t have work we could get a coffee” Kibum interrupted him and Minho sighed.

“I’m worried about you Kibum, please answer my question” Minho pushed, but Kibum remained silent, “If you won’t answer, then I’m keeping a 24-hour watch on you”

“You have work, why would you do that?” Kibum asked.

“I was fired, I have time on my hands” Minho answered, “And your safety comes first”

“Now you sound weird, when did safety come in?” Kibum asked, although he didn’t sound interested.

“I’ve known you for years Kibum…” Minho couldn’t bring himself to continue.

“That’s not it” Kibum sighed, “Where do you want to go?”

“Why didn’t you tell Jinki that you said goodbye to Jonghyun?” Minho asked and Kibum slammed the breaks, Minho was thankful there were no other cars at the moment.

“Why do you keep asking questions?! I’m already in enough pain, do you really have to remind me of it?!” Kibum yelled and Minho held his breath.

“Is this the part where you kick me out of the car?” Minho asked and Kibum’s eyes widened.

“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to be like him” Kibum looked down and Minho sighed.

“I know, let’s go to your place” Minho replied, but froze when he heard a sniffle, “Kibum?”

“I hurt everyone I’m around Minho… I just hurt you and I’m so afraid I’m going to hurt Taemin too” Kibum answered, wiping the tears that had developed.

“But the answer isn’t isolation” Minho replied.

“Isn’t it? I just hurt the people I’m close to, isn’t it better to instead not be close to anyone?” Kibum asked, “You saw what I did to Jinki, I don’t want to do that to anyone ever again”

“Well, it’s going to take a lot to get rid of me” Minho announced and Kibum scoffed, “We should get going before cars start coming”

Kibum nodded and began to drive again after wiping his eyes.


	29. With My Selfish Ways Until The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This is the suicide attempt chapter, it is potentially very triggering, proceed with caution

Minho opened his eyes slowly, sensing something was off as he checked his phone. Taemin had called a few times, but they instead left texts, but nothing was odd about them. Then it hit him and he quickly got off of Kibum’s couch and ran towards his room. The door was ajar and Minho pushed it open, pressing it against the wall in fear as he didn’t see Kibum in his bed. He ran outside of the apartment as fast as his legs would take him and dialed Jinki.

“Minho?” Jinki answered confused.

“Meet me at the roof of my apartment building as fast as you can” Minho told him, out of breath.

“W-Why?” Jinki asked, scared as Minho sighed.

“Just come please” Minho answered and hung up.

Minho could feel his legs wanting to give in as he raced up the stairs, but the more he thought about the situation the less he could feel the pain. His hands met the doorknob that would lead him to the roof, and he wanted to scream at the frustration of trying to open the door. He scanned the area and ran toward the familiar silhouette that was facing him. Minho wrapped his arms around Kibum, but the older pushed him away.

“You’re supposed to be asleep!” Kibum yelled, “Why did you wake up?!”

“I was so afraid it was too late” Minho said, catching his breath.

“Go back downstairs and forget about me” Kibum told him, his look serious but Minho shook his head.

“I’m not letting you out of my sight” Minho replied and Kibum nodded.

“Fine, then you can have a front row seat” Kibum said and Minho’s eyes widened as Kibum turned around.

The two were running to the edge as Minho grabbed Kibum and pulled him back when he was inches away from the edge.

“Just let me do this! Everyone can finally be happy this way!” Kibum yelled, tears in his eyes.

Minho held Kibum where the older couldn’t use his arms, but Kibum continued to kick and yell as his tears stained his face.

“Choi Minho let me go!” Kibum screamed and Minho tightened his grip.

“Minho?” A voice yelled, causing Kibum to stop as two sets of footsteps ran toward them.

“Kibum” A second voice said and the said boy began to cry more.

“What’s going on?” The first voice, Jinki’s voice, asked and Kibum kept his head down as Minho’s grip loosened but he didn’t let go.

The owner of the second voice, Jonghyun, was now in front of Kibum as Jinki stood to the side.

“Why is everyone here?” Kibum asked sadly as Jonghyun tried to convince Minho to let him go.

“I told Jinki to come” Minho explained and Kibum felt limp in his arms.

“And I brought Jonghyun here” Jinki told him and Minho let Kibum go.

Kibum fell to his knees, catching himself with his hands, not daring to look either boy in the face.

“Why are you doing this Kibum?” Jonghyun asked, crouching down to look him in the eyes, but Kibum didn’t meet his eyes.

Kibum heard footsteps, but he couldn’t tell whose they were, he wasn’t even paying attention to Jonghyun asking him questions over and over. All of Jonghyun’s words turned to white noise, Kibum began to want to just sleep. He began to sway towards the ground, wanting nothing but to sleep then wake up in his bed, but Jonghyun grabbed him then.

“Kibum!” Jonghyun’s voice was scared, but Kibum didn’t respond, didn’t want to respond.

“I-Is he okay? He didn’t take any pills did he?” Jinki asked and Kibum wanted to cry from just the tone of his voice.

Kibum shook his head in response to Jinki’s question and he heard Jinki’s sigh of relief.

“Come on, let’s get off the roof” Jonghyun prompted, tugging on Kibum’s arm but the younger wouldn’t respond.

“Let’s make sure you’re safe and rested and then we can talk about this” Minho said, but Kibum seemed lifeless.

“Why is he like this?” Taemin’s voice was here now, but Kibum didn’t seem surprised, “Will he be okay?”

Kibum heard a sniffle and assumed someone was crying, then two arms were under his. Someone pulled him up to his feet, but Kibum’s eyes were glued to the edge of the building. Kibum shook his arm out of Jonghyun’s grasp and walked slowly to the edge. He was surprised when no one grabbed him, then arms wrapped around his torso tightly and kept him in place. The crying was louder now, and Kibum looked down at the hands he knew so well. He placed his hands over Jinki’s, squeezing them as he began to cry again.

“Please… Don’t leave me again” Jinki begged and Kibum turned himself around.

“I’m so sorry” Was all Kibum could say as he hugged Jinki.

“Come down from here and stay with me tonight” Jinki suggested and Kibum nodded.

“I hope this means we’re still friends” Jonghyun said and Kibum nodded again.

“I’m sorry, for everything” Kibum apologized to everyone as he broke the hug.

“I shouldn’t have let you go earlier, I should have held onto you tighter” Jinki said, playing with Kibum’s fingers.

“Don’t blame yourself Jinki” Minho told him, “Just be there for him now and don’t worry about the past”

“Can you two, please come away from the edge?” Taemin asked and the couple complied.

“Let’s go, everyone has had a tiring night” Jonghyun suggested and the five of them made their way to the stairs.


	30. At Some Point You Have Grown Bigger In Me

The moment the five of them were in the parking garage, Kibum was embraced by his friends. Sniffles and little whispers were the only things Kibum heard as he tried to process what to say or do.

“I love you” Kibum whispered as he felt a tear run down his cheek, “I love you all so much”

He was sure he heard muttered replies back, but all he could focus on was the warmth he felt despite what had almost happened moments ago. When the warmth slowly disappeared he felt himself panic a little, but his heart calmed when he looked down to see Jinki’s hands intertwined with his.

“Let’s go and get some sleep” Jinki suggested, voice still shaky.

“Okay” Kibum replied softly.

Jinki led Kibum to his car, opening the passenger door to let Kibum in. As Jinki got in and the car got started, Kibum fidgeted, trying to find something to say.

“I’m sorry” Kibum said, but Jinki just offered his hand.

Kibum took it without question, finding comfort in the older.

“I’m the one that should be sorry, I just let you leave” Jinki replied.

“You had every right to let me leave, I hurt you and I just did it again. Would you even consider forgiving me after all of that?” Kibum asked, playing with Jinki’s fingers.

“On some conditions” Jinki answered.

“Anything for you” Kibum replied.

“You’ll get help so you can be happier, and...” Jinki paused, stopping at a red light and looking to Kibum sweetly, “That starting today we’re together again”

They smiled at each other and Jinki doesn’t remember the last time he had seen that wonderful smile. The two just looked at each other for a while, a blush growing on Kibum’s cheeks.

“Th-the light’s green, go so we can go to bed, I’m tired” Kibum complained shyly and Jinki complied giggling at himself.

The rest of the ride consisted of Jinki singing to Kibum, with the younger occasionally joining in. As soon as they arrived at Jinki’s, the couple headed straight to the bedroom, too tired to even dress in something more comfortable.

Once they got comfortable together, Kibum couldn’t help but ask the question that had been on his mind.

“Do you think… this is the universe giving me a second chance?” Kibum asked, staring at the ceiling, “Because if Minho had slept a little longer…”He couldn’t finish as Jinki’s arms tightened around him.

“I don’t want you to think about what  _ could  _ have happened, just focus on what did happen” Jinki begen, “We found you in time and you’re safe. I think it’s the universe saying ‘this isn’t over yet’”

“I keep wondering if I even deserve this, if I deserve you” Kibum stopped, worried he was being too negative.

“Shh… You deserve all of this… And right now you deserve sleep” Jinki replied, kissing the back of Kibum’s neck.

Kibum felt tears come to him, the warmth he felt surrounding him, overwhelming him. He turned around to face Jinki, the older smiling softly at him. Kibum pulled him into a kiss, hands on Jinki’s face. They pulled away and Jinki wiped Kibum’s tears carefully.

Jinki covered Kibum’s face in kisses, making the younger giggle and snuggle into the older. Kibum let Jinki’s warmth engulf him, and sleep came to the couple quickly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for sticking through to the end! There is a epilogue in the works, I'm still not sure if it'll ever see the light of day though. I hope you all enjoyed, and I hope you'll check out my newer SHINee works too :)


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